Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Fall Yet Never Broken (December Contest)

So many ups, so many downs,
give us the smiles, give us the frowns,
cause us to crack, cause us to fall,
only to rise up strong and tall.

We get attached to beloved ones,
to better halves, to passionate sons,
we frame up moments off all these days
soon we'll separate to different ways.

For those who died we shed the tears,
we try to hide our awful fears,
we have the time to bleach the stains,
for lighter hearts, for brighter brains.

As long as you're up to my side,
love I'll pass through the drifting ride,
I'll go for more unlimited miles
Please come back mom with your sweet smiles.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

I liked this one but that first stanza. The whole rest of this poem has a tight aabb rhyme scheme. Is there a reason this one stanza doesn't?

It's great to see you back around.
I agree with Stan.
How about this?
cause us to crack, cause us to fall,
only to rise up a stronger, tall.

What do you think?

Later,

~Mark~

Know the candidates
for the upcoming Administrative Council.
Voter's guide here:
https://www.neopoet.com/community/vote/guide

paying attention to the rhythm as a secondary thing, but I looked at the poem as a whole and found that it meant something more than at first it seems. [At least I think so]. After reading it through a couple of times, I came up with a couple of suggestions.
1] the last line in the first stanza could read: [to raise us up, climb the wall]

2] third and last lines of the second stanza: [we frame up moments from all these days]
[soon, we'll separate to different ways]

3] Last line of the third stanza: [for lighter hearts, brighter brains]

4] For as long as you are by my side
I can pass through those drifting tides
I will fly more unlimited miles
Please come back Mom, I need your smiles

If I have made a wrong assumption, I apologize. ~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

If one is going to have a rhyming poem, there is but one rule: it must actually rhyme.
"fall" doesn't rhyme with "whole" (unless one has a strong Japanese accent)
"ride" doesn't rhyme with "sides" (no matter what accent one has).
.

Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

rides and side, do not rhyme? I suppose that the [ess] makes a tiny difference. Do you really need the
[ess] added to side?
Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Correct. The "ess" makes the difference.

Edna
Poet(ess) to the Stars

Like your poem. I have no problem with slant rhymes, not all rhymes need to be direct like side and rides. I am only distracted by forced rhymes as I feel in stains and brains. The image seems forced to me.
Great to see you writing in rhyme. It is the best way to build your craft and write better free verse too

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Stan, Mark, Geezer, Edna and last but not the least Mark.
Really appreciate all the reviews. I'll rework this hopefully soon taking into consideration your valuable critiques and suggestions.
Always appreciate it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.