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Face Of The Enemy

So we meet again,
Enemy of mine.
This time you'll feel pain,
and glory be mine

Too many victories
you have stolen
Too many dreams
lay forsaken

I will break free
from the cycle of defeat
I will spit at you
as you bleed

The face that you hide
behind a veil of secrecy,
shall be revealed tonight
when I reclaim my dignity

In the stage of mind,
two mights collide
and there you'll find
Fate taking sides

Who will fall?
Who will rise?
Who will crawl?
Who will stand with pride?

So it is
Fate has decreed
The triumphant one
is finally me

Let Truth be revealed!
I pulled away his veil
and stared at the face,
once concealed...

What trickery is this?
How could he be me?
He appears to be
another version of me

In time I realize,
he is really me
the bane of my pride
my own negativity

He is my self-doubt,
my impatience and my fear
By confronting him
I can build a brighter future...

For the greatest conquest
one can make
is the conquest of oneself

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I got this idea from watching the japanese animation Yugioh. Hope you'll like it. As usual, I will need your suggestions on how to improve on this piece...
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like the title,
language use is all right, rhythm is good, I like the theme, its a bit simplistic but it works with the rhyme you've used, and the internal logic is consistent, you stay on track and don't stray from topic.

To improve this, consider the tense you are using. For example:

"Let Truth be revealed!
I pulled away his veil
and stare at the face,
once concealed..."
In this stanza, the third line is present tense, while the others are all past tense. This makes things a little confusing, and therefore choppy and stuttering.
Also, in thme 11th verse, try re-writing to make the lines rhyme the way that they do in the rest of the poem.

Like the ending very much, by the way.

This is good, I look forward to seeing its revision.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thank you for the comment. I have changed ' he stands for" to" the bane of my pride". Should I change "in time to "then"? What do you think if I change the 11th verse to this:-

He is my self-doubts,
my impatience and my fear
the ever present conflicting thoughts
in my past, present and future

my only problem with this one is that the last verse will sound awkward..lost the connection. between them. Any suggestions?

Alid

author comment

Yes, I really like the change you made in the 11th verse, you only changed a single line, but completely brought the verse in with the rest, in terms of cadence. And I like the meaning of the verse as well, with this change.
No, I would not change "In time", because that would change the rhythm right there at the start of the stanza, and you've got it down, with the change you have already made. Also, "In time" implies a struggle with the truth, and a gradual, inevitable acceptance of it, which I like very much.

The 11th verse.
I see what you mean about losing the connection. I like the message of the original couplet at the end, but it would be cut off from the rest of the poem, sort of left hanging on its own. So I don't think a complete re-write of the verse is a good idea, after all.

Perhaps just a simple edit, and an extra line? something like

"He is my self-doubt,
my impatience and my fear
By confronting him
I can build a bright future,

For the greatest conquest
one can make
is the conquest of oneself"

this way, you don't lose the meaning, and the last line of the 11th verse, coupled with the modified cadence of the last verse, keeps the connection between the two, and brings the end of the poem to a smoother, more focused conclusion.

Does this help?

I hope so. This getting good.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Hey, thank you, man. You are a big help. Done the edit.

God bless
Alid

author comment

This poem if edited correctly would belong in the top poems I have read for theme, for such a long time Excellent.
Just listen to the advise you have for this one and it will become great, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

As Jim and Ian have commented above, the theme is excellent. the content expresses the venom/ and a sense of unease as one reads through verse after verse. As Jim has said, you need to re-look at the tense. I liked the mystery which gets solved in the final few stanzas, when the reader realizes that it is a fight/war is with self doubt. I had suggested in a comment on one of your poems that you tend to undermine your self. It is good to see you are dealing with it in a positive way. I wish you really re-conquer that positive spirit. I will come back to see what edits you have made...

well done Alid...i really enjoyed the read..

Regards,

raj

raj (sublime_ocean)

In fact the other reason why I write this poem is because of that comment. I keep thinking about what you've said and I
told myself that while I want to improve, I need to take my time and not just rush in this learning journey. A hairy worm didn't turn into a butterfly in a blink of an eye. (yes, Kavita's poem is very interesting, isn't it?)

Glad you liked it, Raj.

Alid

author comment

Yes Kavita's poem is interesting and draws our attention to a phenomenon about how change and transformation takes place. I am sure you are undergoing a metamorphosis of sorts and will emerge through it to re-discover the poetic glow which all of us can see is lurking inside you. I am sure with patience and continual efforts you will re-discover the free flow...Neopet offers us that opportunity when our friends comment and critique our writes with good intentions....

regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Love what you are doing here. It's always great to read your thoughts about different lively issues. This is indeed a good one.

a few things need your attention here,
S2 L1..."Too many victory" ..................[too many victories]?
S4 L4 "when I reclaimed my dignity"...........[reclaim]

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thanks for the comment. The next poem, "Listen" is another one packed with emotions. It is also my way of dealing with what is currently happening to a very close friend.
After writing that poem, I am planning to explore a different type of poem. I have my eyes on 'haiku' and 'Imagery'.
something more gentle and peacefuL, .not as dark but hopefully just as beautiful. I am thinking of using Ian's "New Woods" and Mand's "Papa Autumn" as a source of referrence. I have this list of ideas which is nagging at me. :-

Little Mouse's Adventure
Sunrise
Mother
Smile
Love is..
Poetry to me
Scary People
Lessons From A Baby
Thank you, Allah

No doubt that some of them will not be written until I have a proper idea how to put them into words.

Someone reminded me that a poem reflects the poet's heart. I have been focusing too much on the angry side.Now I must find my balance again. Maybe I'll be writing them and the dark ones alternately..

Alid

author comment

It is good to see that you have your mind focused on trying out different styles of poetry..Ian has already provided with some tips...so have a go and let your ideas flow...

warm regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

Little mouse climbs up.
Does the clock strike him at one
or is it his kin.

Sunrise a new dawn
Clouds evaporate at the touch
Yet dewdrops glitter

Mother of my life
Sweet angel each day and night
I learned to live

Smile well from within
It warms even the cold day
Should it touch me

Love is a burden
To those that cannot find it
Find it free yourself

Poetry to me
Is an expression of words
Taken from the heart

Scary people fear
The quiet of the evening
Should they be alone

Let me tell you now
Lessons from a baby cry
Teaches us so much

Thank you, Allah

I shall leave this one for you to write,
take care most of these are Senryu,
Haiku usually has something to do with the four seasons.
These Senryu are just for fun and I await you finding your own lol.
The one about a mouse is reference to a Nursery Rhyme,
"Dickory, Dickory, Dock"
Just have fun and by what I see you are learning fast,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

Thanks for the encouraging words.I think I'll try Senryu before I try to write any Haiku. Wish me luck, Ian

Alid

author comment

At last, I managed to squeeze my mind and come up with the words for "Sunrise." Its my first imagery nature type of poem after a long, long, time.. Trying to input Wesley's teaching on the subject is not easy but I believed I have done my best in this. I am happy that I have decided not to give up on it after I have read some of your poems. This is a far-from-perfect poem but I am really proud of it. I hope you will enjoy it and can offer more suggestions so that I can improve.I'll be waiting for your comments...

Thank you for being an inspiration to me, my friends..

Alid

author comment
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