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Exaggeration
Quickly running.
Sprinting through the forest of despair.
My chaser shows a measurable cunning.
My legs will quit, but I won't dare.
Many a branch flitting past me.
Leaves are crushed beneath my feet.
Swimming through the Sea of Many Tree.
It seems he has reserved for me a seat.
Brightly colored fruits bound upon tall plants.
A summer of metaphorical beauty.
The clouds trudging through the sky like ants.
The strength of my will is its duty.
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
Kailashana2
Thu, 2012-04-26 17:06
I've been reading your stuff,
I've been reading your stuff, PianoBoy. You have good lines, thoughts, themes and they work wonderfully as rhyme. However, I ask why you choose that form to *poetically* speak? Is it natural evolution?
~A
The last line is its not it's (a contraction for it is).
PianoBoy
Thu, 2012-04-26 17:53
I'm afraid I don't understand
I'm afraid I don't understand "poetically speaking".
author commentweirdelf
Sat, 2012-04-28 03:34
This is fucking good but needs work
just a few hints
Leaves deteriorating underneath my feet.
slows the pace down too quickly
Leaves are crushed beneath my feet.
Actually that all.
That last line is brave and I salute you.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
PianoBoy
Sat, 2012-04-28 09:51
Thank you weirdelf! I
Thank you weirdelf! I appreciate the input!
author commentIan.T
Sun, 2012-04-29 03:54
PianoBoy
That you have received a good comment from Jess is good indeed and we are taken by your use of words and flow.
The next step is to polish your work by joining in a workshop or two but take it step at a time, as I think I have said many times the workshops run by Jess are fine try one of the pools first, get to know the others then begin to finely tune your words and formats, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..