Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

The Empyrean Sex Magicians

lotus in a mirror
its roots clutch crepuscular slums of dredging mud
deep dark stagnant
thick with worms and milk flower petals
we remain nourished

wisdom expands into darkness
all of us students in the school of shadows
irreverent desires reverent
wise children of light bathe in waters
of cimmerian shade

sex death and regeneration
are celebrated in orgies
of feral lucidity
souls are soiled by devils
the bog swallows bones
to bloom seraph's and cherubim floating
the third eye open
a cascading light
secret kiss
a breathless eternity

at the root
flames lick
open orifice
of ripples silk

empyrean sex magicians
weave
hips voodoo

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Jupiter in Scorpio
Editing stage: 

Comments

I have been away for awhile, haven't I.
Your title: lol had to look up 'empyrean'. Excellent title.
Language use: nothing to say that could make it better, at least for me.
Cadence: it's a bit choppy in places, but nothing major breaks down
The Theme: wonderful!
Beginning is a little choppy,
Ending is great.
I've been reading your other pieces - playing catch-up - and damn, they are good.
This one seems a little less explicit than the others, but that's just probably me.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

Thanks for the review
I'm interested in smoothing out things and how verse breaks etc.
Pls feel free to point me in the direction either by example or reference

I read a good deal of contemporary poets
Ocean Voung for example
His breaks are strange sometime But beautiful in audio

I'm wondering too about flow since I removed all the "likes" and most "ands" which are connective words in order to pair the poem down?

Again Thank you

author comment

I am literary; I seldom speak poetry, I prefer reading.

But I did recite this one aloud, to myself, and what reads as a little choppy to me in the first verse does not, when recited.

the second verse does seem a little forced, when spoken:

"wisdom expands into darkness

all of us students in the school of shadows

irreverent desires reverent

children of light bathe in the waters

of cimmerian shade"

The underlined line seems too general to me. I find it detached from the rest of the verse.

Perhaps "Children of light bathed in waters" might be a better wording, since it would identify more readily with the second line. A change like this would tighten up the cadence too.

Hope this helps!

 

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

yes agreed thank you for your careful reading ,,,the, the is superfluous.

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.