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Empty Swings

Submitted by Ian.T on Thu, 2012-07-19 13:40

I walked without the laughter of the children
I felt empty, and so alone, the world may have ended
Please tell me I am wrong? I cannot see!
There seems to be an empty space in front of me.

Yesterday they were here, I heard them so
Please tell me what has made them go?
I cannot see it's hard for me to listen to emptiness.
Just tell me I am wrong and it won’t be long.
Before the children return.

A new look:-

I felt the silence,
My park
The clock struck four
No children laughing
I felt empty, and so alone,
Has the world ended?
Please tell me I am wrong
I cannot see!
Vast empty spaces,
in front of me.

Yesterday they were here,
I heard them so.
I cannot see
It's hard for me
Listening to something,
I am so empty.
Just tell me I am wrong
It won’t be long?
May I help?
A gentle voice said!
It’s four in the morning.
Should you be in bed???

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Last few words: 
A picture of a row of empty swings in a park prompted this short write, Have now rewritten and added the new piece underneath this changes everything.????? Yours Ian.T
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

scribbler

Thu, 2012-07-19 20:12

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Reminded me of a story about a man whose yard was perfect. Except where no grass grew beneath the swing set. This always aggravated him, Then, as happens, his children grew and went away, leaving him witha now perfect yard.......void of laughter......................stan

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-07-20 02:37

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This was in answer to one of those pictures we see, just a row of empty swings, yet the person couldn't see with the eyes just the change in sound. Thanks for your visit, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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Roscoe Lane

Fri, 2012-07-20 02:03

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It's a helleva lonely feeling when they go, but it's called growing up and we all did it. But if were lucky they return with the next generation for us to babysit. Nice poem but sad, as soon as i saw the title i was hooked. Regards Roscoe..

Roscoe Llane,

Religion will rip your faith off, and return
for the mask of disbelief that's left.

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-07-20 02:44

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Yep it is sad when the children leave but they always come around when needs must, I have four children and I think it is a great thing that they are totally independent, where they only contact me when they have some spare time or am I making excuses for them lol.
Trouble is I am in Leicester UK and my eldest is in Salisbury next is in Australia Third in Milton Keynes and the youngest in Cornwall, so contact is vague. My second family is totally different they are here and I must see them all seven of them each month some each week so Family wise I am well looked after..
Thanks for your visit, and take care out there, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-07-20 10:07

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I hear you.

This is beautifully written and so so poignant.

I do feel it could be even better by being more sparse. Perhaps less pleading?
Maybe lose the line
'Please tell me what has made them go?'
maybe even offer a reason why they have gone?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-07-20 10:10

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I realise I took a more more cosmic interpretation, not just about growing up but a universal loss of childhood and innocence.

It's your poem, but our reading [grins]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Fri, 2012-07-20 11:13

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Great to see you there, as I was worried, what with no reply to PM's of late.
This was just a sketch of many things, loss of childhood, loss of site and a space that was empty, that in its self is horrible.
I will look at your comment and assess the short piece again, it was as I said a description of a row of empty swings in a park some place, and then seeing it without eyes, Thanks again for your words, Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

judyanne

Fri, 2012-07-20 13:00

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simply love it
and you know what i am like when i love a write - i can't help myself
can i offer an edit - for rhythm?

I walked without the laughter of the children
felt empty, so alone, like world’s end
please tell me I am wrong, I cannot see
there seems to be an empty space in front of me
they were all here yesterday, I heard them so
please tell me what has made them up and go
I cannot see, it's hard for me to hear such emptiness
Just tell me I am wrong and it won’t be long

not long before the children all return

please excuse my rudeness :)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Ian.T

Sun, 2012-07-22 04:57

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Many thanks and especially for your piece of writing.
This it seems with its theme of an empty row of swings and timeless ways, I think that this will expand as time goes by,
Yours Ian.T

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There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Nilmini

Wed, 2012-10-03 08:51

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I guess I'm old fashion, but I truly enjoyed the first version with its good rhyming and rhythem.
I'd like to see more poems like this.
Cheers!

Ian.T

Wed, 2012-10-03 09:53

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Thank you for reading and your comment is lovely to hear.
I like to flow through a sentence or two and usually write as the first one.
Judy gave a good edit for the first piece.
It was a blind person who had missed the time, and it was as the second one ended 4 am not 4 pm.
It must be hard for people to be blind and lose track of time or be twelve hours out.
There are many quirks to this and it can be just that the children have gone to school but it has many things there.
Thank you again, you walk in the quiet of a peaceful heart in your land and look inward there it is precious, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

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