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Elemental Song

Submitted by gregwa8 on Sat, 2018-07-07 17:17

You are my fire
But I feel like a fire truck

You are my water
But I feel like a commercial fisherman

You are my wind
But I feel like a great great wall

You are my earth
But I feel like a bulldozer

You are elemental
And I feel like the opposite
Of a key

I can’t open you
And as much as I try
I can only put you
In this
Anti-song

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

raj

Sat, 2018-07-07 17:24

it's a coincidence that I've used the five elements in a poem submitted yesterday "Turnstile the tipping point"
..........................................

raj (sublime_ocean)

gregwa8

Sun, 2018-07-08 00:39

gregwa8's picture

enjoyed your poem, raj!
greg

author comment

weirdelf

Sat, 2018-07-07 20:50

weirdelf's picture
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How ironic that the things we so desperately want to say so often defy our efforts as poets to verbalise them. Especially when it comes to love. I can only say you come close.

The question is, do you really want to open her? (no, I am not making a cheap innuendo there)
Is not the whole process, if it lasts, one of trying to open the beloved continually, a life-long or love-long or love-lorn process?

Did I not mention in a comment to you recently that perhaps a little playfulness in wordplay may take your a tad further than your relentless intensity and sincerity? It is the best advice I can give and it will expand your repertoire. You say on your bio-page "love the metaphysical, the quirky, the perfect playful metaphor that's yet to be put down in verse. " True, you have yet to put it down in verse, but you are well on your way. Onya, mate!

Oh, and that last line is excellent, and more or less what I'm trying to say.

Here is my reading, hope it helps-
https://vocaroo.com/i/s1D6CCrd2fAA

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

weirdelf

Sat, 2018-07-07 20:53

weirdelf's picture
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the more I like it.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

gregwa8

Sun, 2018-07-08 00:48

gregwa8's picture

thanks for the thoughtful comments, jess, and the advice to push my creativity in the whimsical direction. give them personality. your comments mean a lot.
greg

author comment

weirdelf

Wed, 2018-07-11 04:13

weirdelf's picture
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but I sure as fuck know a lot about poetry.
You are welcome.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

tyro

Sun, 2018-07-08 05:01

"You are elemental
And I feel like the opposite
Of a key"

really liked this comparison, but each of them could easily be developed into poem of its own.

That 'open' does sound too physical, how about something like: I can't unlock your mystery.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

hopeless_writer

Sun, 2018-07-08 11:30

i really enjoyed this poem an exellent use of the elemental theme and very vivid and well fitting metaphors

hopeless_writer

Sun, 2018-07-08 11:30

i really enjoyed this poem an exellent use of the elemental theme and very vivid and well fitting metaphors

Eumolpus

Sun, 2018-07-08 17:29

Eumolpus's picture

But...I don't get the "buts"

You are my fire
I feel like a fire truck

You are my water
I feel like a commercial fisherman

You are my wind
I feel like a great great wall

You are my earth
I feel like a bulldozer

The "buts" confuse me and I feel more connection of the intent of the poem and the flow without them. WDYT?

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

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