On the Edge

As I stand looking down off the edge of a cliff
Unashamedly ready to commit
Like I've been stripped of free will
in a trance or possessed
Losing sense of what's right, what's real
Unsure which way's right and which is left

I can feel things changing, I'm losing myself
Not completely gone yet, I'm still vaguely aware
The storm that is coming brings both delight and despair
A cosmic adventure, while exciting at first
is inevitably followed by a horrific aftermath
where my world is in pieces, destroyed and undone
Slivers of hope become buried and lost,
covered in the rubble of psychosis

In silent contemplation, I walk the precipice
What's coming next resembles an impossible test
where my world's drowned in pain, my character tarnished,
progress lost, pushed backwards again and again
I cling to awareness, coming to terms with my fate

Desperate to relieve myself of the guilt, I convince
 myself that the future's predetermined

and regardless of what I do, it can't be changed
For I lack the capacity and desire to do anything

I care for little and not enough to do anything

I’m unable to fight for myself, back myself

 Unwilling to stray from the trail I walk

to go in search of a different path,
I’m too weak to take hold of the steering wheel

  which might have possibly guided my future 

towards a kinder, more favourable page

Instead, I lower my head in defeat 

and brace for the impact

I remain standing and battle through

the devastation like a weathered soldier

One with an opponent superior 

in all elements of battle

with access to classified intel

ensuring they have the upper

hand, and element of surprise at all times

It’s an impossible opponent- it’s my own mind

Flawless in battle, a technically trained traitor
with the mission brief to sabotage me
experienced in combat, espionage, treachery

A missile seeking to destroy me
My thoughts are unhealthily fast

 They're not steady, they're deceiving me
Misleading me, ill-treating me
I plead to myself, "stay grounded, stay with me."
Failing to catch them, my thoughts get away from me
They travel distant worlds, explore new reality
Fascinating, maybe so, but to live in our world
to succeed and survive, one's mind cannot remain in transit,

roam as a seasoned traveller forever coming and going
It must permanently reside in the world which we live 
so that our body and mind are bound to one another

existing as vital and bountiful parts of a whole

It is for this reason, that the most important thing 

to my happiness and wellbeing, without a doubt

 is to hold onto my mind, keep it grounded, 

surrounded by and connected to me

Ensuring that it doesn’t abandon me in search of

 of an otherworldly adventure 

 lured by the promise of exotic travel far and wide

The most important thing for me is to love my mind

Treat it like the prized treasure that it is

Build it a home and foster a sense of belonging

 To make sure that it is content and satisfied

with being with me, and being in my world

So that we become bound to one another

 as vital and bountiful parts of a whole

 
Moving forward, I'll work hard 

to be stronger and more grounded
I’ll study and practise the art of staying in control

Acknowledging that there’ll still be 

times that I lose control

 I'll build a repertoire of tools to limit 

the consequences of my bipolar disorder

Understanding that living with bipolar disorder

will always be part of my journey,

 that my journey may look different to others’

and have more hurdles, but that’s okay

 I’ll be gracious and kind to myself and others

And in turn, won't be judged by my worst moments

Preventing the next episode could prove
to be an unrealistic goal

 But making these episodes manageable,
less destructive and harsh seems achievable
If feels like a great place to start

But if it isn’t and I’m wrong, I’ll be okay