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Earthly Bliss

Submitted by chevyvent on Wed, 2018-11-21 15:07

To have a heart that is tied up in knots
when their are a dozen of pots
in your sink;
Can't even think
to dismiss this Earthly bliss
in a time well spent in thought.
Yet the Spirit brings life & peace.

A heart saturated with unconditional love
shall withstand the true test in time!
Words have an effect on people
so choose words of edification.
Smile 'cause it's contagious
so pass yours on.

We can each do our part in making this world a better place.
Love should be the true essence of our existence.
Become a beacon of light
to a hurting world in need.
Love your neighbor
spread words of peace and togetherness.

Each of us has a responsibility in this life.
Our life will soon be passed
only what's done for truth will last.
What we do with our time today
will become evident through eternity.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

IRiz

Wed, 2018-11-21 16:57

IRiz's picture
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Good intented write.
It sounds broad and impersonal.
How many drafts did you write before publishing?
Is every word counts?

IRiz

chevyvent

Wed, 2018-11-21 17:22

chevyvent's picture

With much respect a new day has dawned in certain ports,
Like this written piece you got here my main concern from this piece,
According to "o have a heart that is tied up in knots
when their are a dozen of pots
in your sink;"
Like to take people on a journey laced with words to a triumphant tide.
I erased much of my works on Neopoet.

Mario Vitale

author comment

IRiz

Fri, 2018-11-23 13:43

IRiz's picture
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The image of the heart tied up in knots is heartbreaking. I was tired and did not notice it before.

IRiz

Race_9togo

Wed, 2018-11-21 21:09

Race_9togo's picture
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This is excellent.
But I would like you to try editing it; some of the words, especially the little ones, are extraneous, and add too many syllables to the lines.

Example:
"To have a heart that is tied up in knots
when their are a dozen of pots
in your sink;"

A little bit of editing, and...

""To have a heart tied up in knots
when there are a dozen pots
standing in your sink;"

Do you see what I mean? Of course, your edit will be different because it is your poem, but try my suggestion, and see how many extra, unnecessary words you can cut, without changing the meaning, because hey man, you don't want to change that, it comes through clear and true.

Respectfully, Race

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

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