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Dreamscape

Submitted by Ian.T on Fri, 2012-08-03 18:30

Dreamscape for you to see.
Would you expect more from me.
For walking in the clouds
Hold me gently in your mind

Leave all the unkind things behind
Run with the waters of mountain streams
Bubble oh bubble in love of dreams
Hold a picture in your mind

Of feelings felt sometimes
When heaven bows to the earth where I lay
A lonely person formed from clay
Touch my soul it’s the thing that goes on

Forever your hand in mine
Walk with me to infinity
Leave troubles that scar
Leave those days far behind

Just hold me in your mind
I will play with your ways
Of the beautiful days
That are rolled into one

Join me in this journey that’s just begun
Tell to yourself those times of joy
Are there to touch and use as toys
That in future when times are bad

Come touch me, as we are one
When feelings flow that we all know
Hidden till someone unlocks the door
Then you can be sure

That it is like the joining of two suns
Where things that flow, from me to you
Can only be for some
As the closing of the door

So feel these things as we touch
As this is our time
Not a thing to miss
I am yours you are mine

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is rough as I have run out of time today, Have a lovely tomorrow, Yours Ian.T
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

weirdelf

Fri, 2012-08-03 22:33

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It needs some stanza breaks to be more reader friendly
and the line
Leave troubles that do scar
oh no, don't do those grammatic nasties.

I think this could shape up to one of your best pieces, it is approaches the symbiosis of the spiritual giving your work always has, with the structural giving it needs.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Sat, 2012-08-04 03:48

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I will attend to the breaks and sort out the whole thing today or tomorrow as time permits.
Thank you my friend for all your work , Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

judyanne

Sat, 2012-08-04 00:07

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I like this ian, but it is difficult to read without stanza breaks, and I also think it is too convoluted, but that might be simply because of the lack of breaks – hard to tell….

a couple of things (imho of course)
‘Leave troubles that do scar – I’d drop the ‘do’
Leave troubled days far behind’ – ‘trouble’ used on the very next line – a little off-putting (imho) – how about a different word here?

and
'Of the beautiful days
That is rolled into one’ (‘are’ instead of ‘is’?)
and
‘Join me in this journey that’s just begun’ (‘on’ instead of ‘in’?)

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

Ian.T

Sat, 2012-08-04 03:51

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Thank you, yes a bit of a bunch this is how they are first written without many breaks and ful stops or commas e4tc: I will try to sort it this weekend.
Thanks for your excellent crit I have copied all to word to work on the whole thing..
Thanks againg and have a lovely weekend...Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-08-06 05:39

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I have edited this into a read , though form wise it will be done on other pieces..
Thanks for your read and comments they are the life blood of Neo, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-08-06 04:27

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this is what you are about, and it's also what Neopoet is about.

Apart from the stanza breaks you only made a few small changes and they transform the piece into the gift of spirit that I know you strive for in your poetry.

Sure, I could still tear it to bits on meter and stuff, but wouldn't I be a pedantic cretin to do so?

It has cadence, readability and above all generousity of spirit. No poet could ask for more.
Kudos.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-08-06 05:36

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Many thanks for you words they make writing a pleasure.
One day I will really convert one of my writes into a correct form if possible. Thanks again Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-08-06 05:47

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it is just supposed to help them say what they want to to others.

You never have to write anything in "correct form".

You write in correct form when you convey what you want to say in a way that others want to read. That is all.

And it is what you have done here.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-08-06 07:59

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Your teaching never makes us feel less, for crying out loud you should have gone to Spec Savers I said that one day I will try to write with correct meter and form, but not just yet lol.
You are speed reading and missing what I said, Still loves you though,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Mon, 2012-08-06 08:09

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look up, you said
"One day I will really convert one of my writes into a correct form if possible."
That's what I was reacting to.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

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