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The Dream (Pastoral Poetry Workshop)

I dreamt that I was lost at the sea
with no one there to comfort me
the sound of waves spoke to me
"Unaided you will never be."

and then I felt a gentle nudge
a curious dolphin swam to my side
I stroke his head and he asked me
"My human friend, do you want a ride?"

I rode his back and laughed aloud
as high he leapt in the air
before diving into the water,
gently washing away my despair

There lies before me, a kingdom
of coral reefs and mermaids' castles
lit by mysterious orbs
in a peaceful, colourful world

I teased and played with the fishes,
and stared in awe of the great blue whale.
I sang to the bored seahorses
and danced with a turtle, named Abigail.

I was close to kissing a siren
when my sister woke me from my slumber
and thus the beautiful dream ended
but in memory, it leaves me, never

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I need help especially with the meter in this poem.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like your dream. It took me to a different world of fantasy
and with so much joy. I would call it "a journey to a fantastic world"...if you thought of changing the title.

I dreamt that I was lost at [the] sea
with no one there to comfort me
the sound of waves, they spoke to me....drop "they"
"Unaided you, will never be." .......(may be)...unaided...you will never be.

and then I felt a gentle nudge
a curious dolphin swam to my side
I stroke his head and he said to me..............[he asked me,]
My human-friend, do you want a ride?........."my human friend, do you want a ride?"

I rode his back and laughed aloud
as he leapt into the cold air..........as high he leapt in the air
before he dived into the water .......before diving into the water
and washed away my despair and gently wash 'way my despair.

There lies before me, a kingdom
of coral reefs and mermaids' castles
lit by mysterious orbs
in a peaceful and colourful world............... in a peaceful, colourful world

(I feel like a this stanza needs a tad of work to shorten its verses. You play with it ..
I teased the crabs and played with the fishes,
and stared in awe of the great blue whale
I sang to the seemingly bored seahorses
and danced with a turtle, named Abigail

just thoughts. Take what you like and feel free to throw what you don't.
Hope that helps.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I liked your naming the turtle and enjoyed the tale of dreams. I think in last line of stanza 1 you might try changing never to cease. And remembering a pleasant dream surely qualifies this as pastoral......stan

"unaided, you will never be" here is actually the same as "you will never be unaided" or "you will receive help". Yoda speech. if I change it to unaided you will cease, its not an assurance any longer. Its more like a warning.

Alid

author comment

deleting any punctuation after "unaided".

Thanks, Stan.

Alid

author comment

A great fun write and a tonic, to swim with the Dolphins, did you know that in evolution they were the ones that had the sense to stay in the sea, I don't think they kill each other as man, and are so wonderfully at ease with most creatures.
Did you know that they turn a shark upside down where it becomes very still and no threat to them.
Yours as usual, Sparrow

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

No I didn't. Thanks for the info.

Alid

author comment

just read this again still love it but came across a fault in a line:- "and gently wash away my despair"
Would:- "Gently washing away my despair"
be better as it sounds more fitting when reading.
Take care out there and I hope that your helpers are keeping the pains at a level you can cope with,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

thanks for the feeedback.

Alid

author comment

to see I'm not the only one who keeps going back and tinkering with older stuff lol.......stan

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