Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Detached

There came a knock.

Time had come to call
upon my friend,

not me. Almost every
thing was taken
except for a box
packed and left

empty

of paper and pictures
with little meaning
when the people in
them no longer
have
memories.

I pulled the linens

from the bed,
pissed and soiled
like a diaper wrapped
around a bottom

too new to care
for itself.

I flipped the
mattress over and
fell asleep,
tracing words that
leapt with rage

from a blank
journal page.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Previously posted, but went without comment. Trying again.
Editing stage: 

Comments

A touching piece indeed. I wonder you're saying that you've not received any comments.
A strong sad feeling overwhelms as I finished reading the last few lines.

If I'd suggest anything I'd play again with the breaks between the stanzas (lination again)
but it is probably only me. It is always your piece and I am sure you did it the way you did deliberately. But see how I would do it. Hope you don't mind it.

There came a knock

Time had come to call
upon my friend

not me.

Almost everything
was taken except
for a box packed
and left

empty

of paper and pictures
with little meaning
when the people in
them no longer
have memories

I pulled the linens
from the bed
pissed and soiled
like a diaper wrapped
around a bottom

too new to care
for itself

I flipped the mattress
over and fell asleep
tracing words that leapt
with rage

from a blank
journal page

I thought this way it would more effectively keep the rhythm and the coherence of the message intended.

Anyway, much enjoyed though as I said it is sad.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. It is very sad. Everything I write as of late is sad. Just the mood I am in.

I will take a look at the lination and flow of the poem.

thanks again

Scott

Scott

author comment

I felt tremendously sad after I read your final words, This is a really great poem I love the one word in between the stanza's I often do it

http://www.neopoet.com/workshop/poems/extract-0

this is a very old poem in which I used the same technique for effect

I really enjoyed reading this even though it was so very sad

love JC x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thank you, again for the kind words. I will definitely check out the link when I have some more time.

I apologize for not reviewing any of your work as of late. I will get there, though. I promise.

Have a great day,

Scott

Scott

author comment

If I have a problem... it is this.
With the strange line breaks (not bad, just eclectic) I think the poem NEEDS punctuation to clarify where we are going.
Without it, we have a tendency to wander instead of taking those dramatic pauses needed for the single word.
Otherwise, the imagery is powerful.
You weren't ignored because the poem is poor, you were ignored because there is so much good stuff on site. Therefore, rejoice- NeoPoet is obviously an active and viable venue.
Welcome back.
What's your next workshop going to be about?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

thank you for the compliment. Sorry, I have been tired of late and didn't even think twice about posting without punctuation. I will try to be better about that in the future.

As for workshops, I would love to run one but I have no time to devote to it. When I do have time, the following suggestions have been made or come up, Titles or "how not to be such pretty, yet boring poets"

Scott

author comment

I agree with everyone. I share JC's thoughts as well. Rula has given a good advice and Wes has acknowledged that this piece has powerful imagery, something which I am not good at. Keep on writing.

Alid

Thanks for the comments. I will revisit all comments when I regime writing again

Scott

Scott

author comment
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.