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DEFIANCE

I shall not cover eye, or mouth, or ear,
nor shall I cower, kneel to a cold hand.
My will must surely be more consistent
than clay new molded by a hollow age.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Comments

Hmmm, not good enough to just say I think the poem is fine and don't mess with it before I can post a comment!

I shall/ not cov/er eye/, or mouth/, or ear,
nor shall/ I cow/er, kneel/ to a cold/ hand.
My will/ must sure/ly be/ more con/sistent
than clay/ new mold/ed by/ a holl/ow age.

Now meter is not an exact sciencce, varying with accent and dialect and I would like Lord Barham's opinion on this as he seem to know his stuff.

I think lines 1 and 4 are perfect iambic pentameter, and the first 3 feet of lines 2 and 3 are also iambic.

However 'to a cold/ hand'. could be an anapaest with a catalexis or 'to a/ cold hand' which would be a phyrric witha spondee.

And 'more con/sistent feels more like trochees.

What think you, LB?

Either way this works remarkably well as a quatrain in its own right, remarkable work, tyro!

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

Hi Weirdelf, I completely missed con/sistent in line 3. But the a in line two I saw. I would not use another word because I did not want to have one line sticking out beyond the rest. So I left a in, and hoped the meter would pave it through.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

author comment

No-one uses meter perfectly all the time, that would be restrictive. The point of this workshop is just to get used to the sound and feel of different metric styles and you carried this off just fine.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet is a workshop. Poets take the time to read and think about your work and offer suggestions.
There is no obligation to make any changes however please acknowledge critique and comments.

blistered-pen, I like your poem, a romantic softness radiates from it.

""Hollow age" gave me chills tbh, excellent word use there." Funny you should say this, because I couldn't decide and changed many words and combinations here. Then I remembered Eliot's Hollow Men and thought, this gives precedence.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

author comment
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