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Dear Jane

Your new addiction is infuriating
You never talk to me, even when I know your hurting
How can I help you when you don’t even care
Your not any different than people everywhere

You sit on that phone, that evil device
You check it everyday and never think twice
You chat and post, heart and quote
And always pack a fake travel tote

We used to be such good friends
But with that device we seem to have met our end
You never talk to me face to face
Just blog about food and a time and place

I sit and wait for you to show up
But your still at home with your unreal pup
I hate that phone, those apps and followers
Those people don’t like you, they’re just borrowers

Please just put that stupid phone down
You make me sad, and you look like a clown
Your face filled with make up you never used to wear
You even have golden highlights streaked throughout your hair

I miss my friend that I used to know
The one who smiled and put on a show
She didn’t care what others thought
Now look at all the products that she’s bought

Please come back and don’t make me wait
I never knew I could feel such hate
I miss you Jane, so much it stings
So put down that phone and pack your things

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I have been entered in an art and writing contest by my school. I have drawn a picture describing the social dilemma going on now and wrote a poem. I really need like a lot of criticism, this contest is for scholastic. It is very important to me. I can get a scholarship and become a well known artist. Please look over it and write back.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

I have been entered in an art and writing contest by my school. I have drawn a picture describing the social dilemma going on now and wrote a poem. I really need like a lot of criticism, this contest is for scholastic. It is very important to me. I can get a scholarship and become a well known artist. Please look over it and write back.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

Hmm OK the title is or could be considered a rip off. In fact the whole poem could be a rip off from the Netflix film.
I would never enter this in a scholastic competition.
I would not want the future to look back and say my first competition was a Netflix rip off. Weather it truly is or is not doesn't matter, it is how it will be perceived by others'.
I would make it a letter to a friend you care about and warning that friend of the dangers involved with the age of data gathering.

So the title may be something like:
To my best friend Jill (who I miss very much)
Ever since you got that phone
That hi tech pocket computer
You have been missed
By me and gotten distant
Into the world wide web
That drives your future
Away from me and us

You're settling for that thing
That worldwide ring
And it will come back at you
At us all the truth be gone and reality
And it will sting.

So look up and see me
Don't run away from me
Feeding the system
In order to make
Falsehoods that may come to be.
Because you are my best friend
And I'm losing out
Watching you sit and pout
At a thumbs down about your snout

Just look in the mirror
And see who you are
I like you as you are
A data make you don't need
I love you and so do plead
You're disappearing
And I view it a horror

Well lol that was certainly off the cuff and I hope you see what I mean.
All the best,
Mark

Please comment anywhere anytime.

it was created for that exact reason. I got the idea watching that film and decided to draw a image of it. Then my art teacher said she liked it and wanted me to write a poem for it. Maybe i should change the title becuase it is the same, but that was the influence behind my poem. Im glad you saw it.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

As I said it may or may not work. Think about how other people could see where you are coming from.
Like Gee says you have something of value for sure, just need to make it unique ;)
Later and best of luck,
Mark

Please comment anywhere anytime.

that maybe you could do better for a title. Maybe something like: "Missing The World" ? I do like your poem. I think that it has great possibilities.
1] This is one of the few times that I think it fine to have that extra [and] in there. It
makes for a better rhythm.

Posting pics of dogs and kids [and] fancy French cuisine.

2] I'm hoping that soon, the day will come when we realize

3] It can do so much more, than show the way you feel

4] It makes the pictures and those likes, seem a bit more real

5] Checking on those apps, can make your pain go away

6] Sometimes when you're looking, you feel your heart will break

7] Everyone has secrets, but they say they're fine

8] They don't want to put it down, put it on the line

9] Delete the lines that say that we have to change our ways and Wally has to come and
save the day. [Lots of people won't know that you're talking about "Where's Wally?"]

I have given you my opinion and comments, it is up to you to use whatever you like and put it all together. I'll come back to see what you have done. ~ Geez.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

The wally line is referring to wall-E from the well known pixar movie. In the movie he has to save the people on the ship because they are so fat and they never get off their devices. I might take that line out, but it got good reviews from my family.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

Joke's on me. Thought I had just deduced something that no-one else had seen. I do think that maybe you could keep it in, if you make some reference to Wall-E; the movie? I don't know. Anyway, use whatever you like from my suggestions and comments, or nothing at all. It is your poem. Good luck and hope you get that scholarship! ~ Geez.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

I like the idea of writing a letter to a friend. It doesn't fit my sketch all that well but it does just enough. Thanks for your help and let me know if you like this poem better.

Vivi
(Love hanging with my family of poets)

author comment

I feel like you have just changed lanes. You have made another poem, so whatever I wrote isn't relevant now. But, that is okay, I think that you have an equally fine job with this new one. ~ Geez.
.

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

That brought a smile to me, Viviana! I love how you were inspired by the film and it moved you to write a heartfelt letter.
You are going places with your poetry Viviana ;)
Best of luck for you.
Keep em coming,
Mark

Please comment anywhere anytime.

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