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Deadpan (Serious Limmerick WS)

Eyes open sunken and blank
as if fate had pulled a prank
eyeballs in rubor
pupils in tumor
sans any tear in their bank

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

I am still not sure about the rythm we should follow and can't say for sure if this one or mine meet the right one, but the theme appeals to me. I really like it as is.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thanks for stopping by. Honestly, I am as unsure as you are about the rhythms and/or rhyme of this attempt in terms of conformance with the Limerick criterion. Let us wait and see what experts comment. I am glad though that you found the theme to be appealing...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

had I read these
a few seconds earlier
I would have got the tee shirt
now tis raj yours
do let me borrow it

I just posted mine
don't laugh OK
twill be fine

I read this aloud many times. I thought you could rework a bit the last line to make it a bit smoother, though it went ok with me.
I know my reading is not giving your little piece its justice, but I decided to share it anyways.

https://soundcloud.com/rula68/deadpan-by-raj

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Thanks Rula for sharing your insights. I will keep those in my mind...

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

not an expert, yet what I sensed. I might be completely wrong about that last line.
Listen to the masters. :)
This workshop was more like an adventure. :)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I know...I have never questioned your intentions which are always so honest and good.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment

is a close rhyme, but is rubor a word? Perhaps meaning red eyes?

Good, serious limerick, /raj.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thanks Jess for your comment approving this to conform as a "serious" theme.

As for Rubor, it indeed does mean Redness, It is part of a series of words indicating progression of symptoms associated with inflammation:-

Calor (Heat), Rubor (Redness), Tumor (Swelling), Dolor (Pain) and Functio Liesa (Loss of function)

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

author comment
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