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DEAD PINE (brought back for "serving poet" shop)..edit

There is a tall loblolly pine
beside a gravel road I sometimes drive
beyond a weathered dead end sign.
It's years since it was last alive.

I first saw it with needles brown
at the start of leaf fall's season.
The tree stood straight from root to crown.
It died from no apparent reason.

And time passed on and time passed on
until the tree stood needle bare,
a thing wood peckers drummed upon.
I once saw a horned owl perch there.

With years the limbs began to fall
and once proud trunk began to lean
as if tilting toward some distant call
of an ancient Ent unseen.

Lately when I pass this tree
I look at it but seldom linger
lest it decide to fall on me
crushing my truck beneath its finger.

Now when I come around the bend
I find that I have come to care.
One day its stance is bound to end
leaving only memories standing there.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Hi folks. I appreciate all the help given. It's strange but though nobody mentioned the last line the other suggestions gave me impetus to think the entire poem over and change that last line which,I hope, makes the subtext easier to grasp......stan
Editing stage: 
Workshop: 

Comments

loved this piece with two meanings as usual one of real scenes and the other of thinking about our own frailty, we live we die it is that living that is the important thing and how straight you stood as a person.
It is so true that the world is use to seeing old people without their needles,
Jess has said that it needs hardly any editing may be we need one of yours that is not so good in your eyes as this one needs little critique.
Yours as always Ian.T
PS:- Stop worrying about this age thing you will be called when it is time, they haven't made a beautiful place for you yet..
The main thing I found that niggled the piece, it was the line with the time passing on twice, surly you can find a good line without that double..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I don't worry about getting older but I also don't ignore it lol. I'm pleased you caught the secondary level on this one as I'm often too obscure .............stan

author comment

and where are the suggestions for improvements? That is the point of this workshop. As I said in the Workshop thread " finding no room for improvement is not in the scope of this shop. If the poem is perfect, choose another."

OOOps, so sorry, didn't realise this had already been posted. Ian, however use the opportunity to help Stan out with this one.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

ice that Ian's comment is not a current one but perhaps of the time when Stan first posted it in stream.

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

The imagery created is good establishing the context of Protagonist and the tree. A few observations which in my opinion you need to look at:-

1. In S 5 you have deviated from the sequence of other stanzas w.r.t. having a period at the end of L3
2. In S2 L2 I do not see a connection between "hunting" season and the tree. You may think of an alternative for hunting. May be Fall season would be in the context of the next Stanza which mentions "until the tree stood needle bare"
3. In S3 L1 the Stanza starts with And and the word and repeats in the same line. I suggest you replace the first "And" with may be "As"
4. In S 4 L3 perhaps replacing "the" with "a" could work better
5. For me, the length of L5 in S5 affects the rhythm, though at this stage i am not able to suggest an alternative, which I may try when I return to this one..

Other than the above, I liked this poem..it took me to the woods :)

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

And time went on and time went on......The repetition of this phrase is meant to mirror repeated years going by.
I'm in midst of edit now and will likely use some of your ideas

author comment

give all the reasons for doing what I will; I will just give it to you as I would do it.
1] beside a gravel road I drive
2] been years since it was alive
3] Died, I couldn't see a reason
4] something woodpeckers drummed upon
5] I've seen a horned owl perching there
6] I look, but do not linger
7] lest it come to fall on me
8] crush my truck beneath it's finger
9] Now I come around the bend
] shall I sigh or have despair?

Feel free to use or discard anything you want, as Jess says, anything to help the poet make it better.
~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

Thanks for the ideas. I'll check them all out, let another comment or so accrue then do an edit.
Always good when impartial eyes (those belonging to somebody other than Me lol) give my stuff a once over........stan

author comment

I remember this poem. Good choice to bring back.

I like the language and the pace except for S3. I stumbled there more than once.

Where I am having the most difficult time is in the logic from S5 to S6. In S5 you stated that you seldom linger and more specifically were in a truck. All of a sudden in S6, you are the only one standing there. Did I miss something?

Thanks,

Scott

Scott

that usual, I didn't see the rhythm here. I guess you must just march to a different tune. Lol !
I do see improvement and hope that we gave you some good ideas! ~ Gee

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

I didn't question the last line because it was not wrong, it was a tone, a feeling that you revised, and it is better.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

For coming by. I keep changing that last stanza lol. I'm beginning to think I'm trying to say too much in too few lines and maybe ought to add yet another stanza to an already long poem........well, you know how I do. I let stuff rest a while then come back to see if I can improve things. BTW, I drove past this dead pine 2 weeks ago. Alas, a storm finally blew it over. At least it missed the road and managed to not fall on me! ............stan

author comment
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