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A Dead End (Mindful Memorable) #3
In the heart of life
we grow
sometimes friends
sometimes foes
to build and construct
or even to destruct
but
we all end
wretched and
worthless
six
feet
under
under a grave stone
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Jordan
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Comments
Rula
Sun, 2012-09-09 02:13
beau
the repetition here is intended to give the reader a caution / kind of warning(unless it distracts) . I also wanted
to change the title to "a dead end" thought that might be a more memorable title but would it be too pessimistic? What do you think?
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author commentIan.T
Sun, 2012-09-09 02:24
Rula
This piece is great and is as the workshop asks,
Just as Beau the double under is distracting , two things to do one as Beau suggests or just drop the second under all together, it will read just as good, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
judyanne
Sun, 2012-09-09 01:55
i disagee rula
with ian and beau
although it was something that i noticed and wondered about, and i almost suggested a change, but then decided that i liked it - the repeated 'under'... it gives a feel of inevitableness with the emphasis
i really like the metaphor
'In the heart of life
we grow'
i love this write - one of the best i have read of yours. it is a well-written and memorable way of saying something old
my only suggestion - neither here nor there really, but given for the sake of something to offer - lol - perhaps lose the 'even to' in 'or even to destruct'
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
Rula
Sun, 2012-09-09 02:16
So happy
that you got my intent dear Juddy .Thank you . I am thinking about losing the" even to"
but am not pretty sure how it is going to read
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author commentIan.T
Sun, 2012-09-09 02:28
Rula
If you say something is six feet under! then say it is under a grave stone Where is the grave stone, Just a question????? Yours Sparrow
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..