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Daughter
While his daughter is at play
a feeling overwhelms him
as his heart begins to well.
Then the developing storm,
that brews within his breast,
calls him to the place of love.
Editing stage:
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Comments
Eumolpus
Mon, 2018-04-16 11:53
agree
not sure of heart begins to "well" , although dyslexia would have me read it "swell".
Then I also need clarity on the concept of the storm that calls to the place of love.
To me one of the most difficult things we need to do in poetry is detach from the poem and become an abstract reader, who knows nothing other than the presented poem. I think this poem needs to be longer and clarify, in poetic terms, it's intent.
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
tyro
Mon, 2018-04-16 12:48
Thanks for the replies Mark
Thanks for the replies Mark and Eumolpus. Since both comments focus on the same two issues I will answer them togather. The first may be easy to explain, but by the second it seems I assumed too much.
Well, in this sentence, is the verb, though I did not add the object, thinking, would be understood as well up.
verb (used without object)
9.
to rise, spring, or gush, as water, from the earth or some other source (often followed by up, out, or forth):
Tears welled up in my eyes.
verb (used with object)
10.
to send welling up or forth:
a fountain welling its pure water.
By the second, I was thinking brews would give the hint, in the sense of,
to contrive, plan, or bring about:
to brew mischief.
only here, no mischief was brewing, the emotions were building within the breast like a brewing storm. I think it was just these storming emotions within the breast that cause antiquity to consider the heart to be the seat of love.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentraj
Mon, 2018-04-16 15:11
Hi Tyro
good couplet borne of affection. You have already responded to the comments of Mark and Eumolpus... I propose tiny changes for your evaluation
Line 1: Replace as with "While"
Line 3: Replace "And" with ""as"
See if they work for you.
could feel the emotion in this crisp couplet
........................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
tyro
Mon, 2018-04-16 16:20
Thanks very much raj, your
Thanks very much raj, your suggestion gives a far smoother read.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentraj
Mon, 2018-04-16 16:31
good to know tyro that the
good to know tyro that the suggestions worked for you..
...................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
tyro
Mon, 2018-04-16 16:23
Eumolpus, I have a question,
Eumolpus, I have a question, do you think changing (developing storm) to
(emotional storm) would help clarify the concept of the storm?
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author commentEumolpus
Mon, 2018-04-16 16:40
yes
but rather than state it, i would describe the storm using any of the poetic devises at our disposal-
an image, metaphor, something real or surreal which would make us understand, or better feel, that storm of joy and overwhelming sentiment.
I think many of us can relate to it...me recently watching my 3 year old grandson at play, singing to himself.
..
..
Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings
lovedly
Tue, 2018-04-17 16:04
poetry has a myriad meaning
each views from his own mind's eye
some how I think
a poet should leave a message of what his poetry is all about
When too many questions are asked
I am happy Shakespeare isn't here
and in his time Internet wasn't anywhere near
else he would have given up his loneliness (lonesomeness)
which even today is legendary
Thanks he no one dares ask him
Read Frost
he is the leading poet today
Maya Angelou is second
Shakespeare I think
is 3rd or 4th
weirdelf
Tue, 2018-04-24 06:13
I read "the developing storm,"
as the father's fear of the onset of puberty. What father wouldn't?
Still, as I often say, once I post my work it belongs to my reader and they can make of it what they will. Though that can be incredibly frustrating when I have something specific to say that no-one seems to get.
That this six liner provoked so much response is very impressive and I'm very glad to see you are already making yourself a valuable member of this community with critique to others.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
raj
Tue, 2018-04-24 06:40
Jess your perception of
Jess your perception of between the lines message strikes me to be true....I hadn't read it that way....I will look for response of tyro to your comment
...............................................................................
raj (sublime_ocean)
tyro
Tue, 2018-04-24 08:45
I'm not sure I understand the
I'm not sure I understand the first verse of the second stanza (developing storm) Hmm perhaps some clarification there ... Mark
Then I also need clarity on the concept of the storm Eumolpus
I read "the developing storm" as... Weirdelf
I see this storm is causing a lot of confusion, perhaps because it seems to jump in from nowhere.
Eumolpus came closes to my meaning in the poem. "I think many of us can relate to it...me recently watching my 3 year old grandson at play, singing to himself."
Daughter
Watching his daughter play
such feeling overwhelms him
that his heart begins to well,
and emotions flare up in him
like wild elements of a storm;
the calm center radiating love.
I tried developing storm as a metaphor, but am not sure of the last line as it seems more a tack on than a solid anchor to stir thought or emotion. I would love to hear the thoughts of those who posted on this poem.
T
The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight
author comment