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IN THE DARK
You left and promised to return
We were hopeful you will come back
We cleaned and bathed in sweet oil
Sent out words for a warm welcome,
Kids consulted the oracle
Bribed gods with dance and open legs
They said it with all certainty
The reception was not to be
I heard the echoes of your voice
Then disagreed with them on facts
You’d given me assurances
Dearth of party proved me all wrong
I was misguided to believe
Without suspicion in your lies
The innocent children were right
I was left to reel in the dark
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Inspired by an article in an old manuscript, It reads:, AXIOMS OF PERFECTION, In the physical order – In the realization of the dream of beauty, In the moral order – In the realization of the dream of love, In the intellectual order – In the realization of dream of poetry, In the spiritual order – In the realization of the dream of the mystics
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Comments
Ian.T
Tue, 2012-09-25 06:23
Iboro
I think on this one the theme needs to be sorted into a sequence where the reader can follow your poem fully, that someone has left and all things are done to make them return to no avail but the words become lost somehow as the one that left..
Hope you wont mind me being so abrupt with this one as it has the bones of a good poem, Yours Ian.T
.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..
t. reflexion
Wed, 2012-10-10 18:46
the words become lost somehow as the one that left
Sorry for the late response, I was off the radar. I tried to show the confusion of the one expecting by not saying anything beyond his disappointment as answers never came for staying away by the one who left. May be, I do not get the missing words that could may the piece more rubost or the theme is either lopsided. Thank you for the comments and best wishes.
tr
A rekindled faith - Dancing in the Light
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