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In The Dark

Submitted by emogothgirl on Thu, 2012-03-29 20:07

With the death of the day came the night
And all its singing
Its dancing bare branches
The dark reaching for us from all around;
The night birds called your name
And I knew you were real.

When the clouds left us behind
The sky opened up and poured out the stars
And it filled up the holes in our chests
Until I was afraid my heart would burst
And you thought this was a dream
It was all so surreal.

While I may well be damned
I don’t mind being dragged to hell;
I was getting kind of cold anyway
With all their stares and shoulders near freezing
And the secrets buried deep in a hot, hot smile
Across the table over a lecture
And from a different world.

Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft

Comments

scribbler

Thu, 2012-03-29 22:59

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very descriptive both in vision and emotion. Got a few things you might mull over :
L-1 delete the second "the"
L-4 try groping instead of reaching (one gropes around in the dark......Not THAT type groping lol)
L-9 try emptiness instead of holes
L-99 tell scribbler to kiss off.....................stan

Eduardo Cruz

Fri, 2012-03-30 10:43

Eduardo Cruz's picture

this is pretty good, but I had to read it twice.
the lines that got my eyes which I find to be good poetry are these:

"While I may well be damned
I don’t mind being dragged to hell;
I was getting kind of cold anyway"
(it was kind of cold here anyway)
great poetic thought. thanks for sharing.

Eddie

LIFE ISN'T ABOUT WAITING FOR THE STORM TO PASS
IT'S ABOUT LEARNING HOW TO DANCE IN THE RAIN.
VIVIAN GREENE

loved

Fri, 2012-03-30 11:16

loved's picture

.....''''I don’t mind being dragged to hell;....''''
By now we have thoroughly explored
the entire universe
young girl
and have come to a conclusion
that
there are no angels
no heaven
no hell
all is on the mother earth
so well
this not only I
but you also
can tell.
Oh! hell!

loved

emogothgirl

Sat, 2012-03-31 15:30

emogothgirl's picture
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thanks for checking out the latest; i will definitely take into consideration wht you've suggested and said.
thanks,
mag

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