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Dance of Raven Girl

the world soul
a screaming, burning, rotting, raving, raging, fucking, growling, asylum
sediment the guts can't hold
makes me wretch
as the years bend this ridge poll
to the breaking point

a tuba plays, booming
it is raven girl and singing skulls
swaying hips
all breath and heat
attended by carnivory
little Fuzzy Mijmark
necrophilia's friend

while men love sheep and bone
in shady coves
and droves of groves

hungry spiders patient for obese flies
wait in shrouded silk
for the healing power of death
and their souls new sunrise
in golden mourning's paradise
loving those they eat
marrow deep

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
Arcane pagan axiom from the wisdom of darkness "The more death the more life"
Editing stage: 

Comments

ravinish
eyes at night
when I went
to the loo
in ravished darkness
you have no clue
all ghosts pounced on me
for a while
till I used my torch light

sleeping in a burial land once
could have been
still remarkable jugularly
ravenly
bird
compared with a girl sexily

zebra you are a wonder

come to me
like nocturnes creeping
and wake me with sweet kisses
like a tongue of sapphire ash
and sharp teeth to drink
from hollowed throat willing
and we shall love,
and love,
and love
like melting candles blessed
xo

author comment

r u bi???
i ain't shy
but am a guy
not to ur taste
neo seasoned poet
ask Stan

thought you a woman with a name like Lovedly lol

author comment

Then lost PW
and my laps top was hacked
so they permitted me to ly add
hence manly
lovedly

it's OK let it be u be happy
composing sexily

Don't worry, you are only the latest in a long line of those who once thought lovedly female, heehee

Like the poem very much, it is very pagan...very Morrigan. Except The Morrigan's companions are crows!

Good stuff.

Respectfully, Jim

"Laws and Rules don't kill freedom: narrow-minded intolerance does" - Race-9togo

http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/Race_9togo

gal or guy
many still love my poetry
except lately

Thank you, very appreciated. Have had a fling with pagan epistemology, Hermeticism, a touch of Witchcraft and Voodoo etc

author comment

whats all that 4 me '
'tis
all FRENCH

Thank you, very appreciated. Have had a fling with pagan epistemology, Hermeticism, a touch of Witchcraft and Voodoo etc

author comment

Thank you, very appreciated. Have had a fling with pagan epistemology, Hermeticism, a touch of Witchcraft and Voodoo etc

author comment

auch!!! It hurts to read again.
the last lines made me feel i am the eaten one.
ouch

Love your poem, man.
Some thoughts, if you let me to take it apart:

"the world soul" is overused to my subjective opinion

"insane asylum" is redundant like salty salt

"sediment the guts can't hold
makes me wretch
as the years bend this ridge poll
to the breaking point" are very strong lines, powerful images, captivating

"a tuba plays, booming" love the image, seeing bright brass

"it is raven girl and singing skulls
swaying hips" skulls don't have hips, maybe rephrase?

who is Fuzzy Mijmark?

"golden mournings paradise" golden mourning of paradise? or golden mornings (like them less)
loving those they eat
marrow deep

Love your writes, don't change anything, I don't expect you to. But tell me if you agree or not with the comments.
Best, I

IRiz

Some thoughts, if you let me to take it apart:
"the world soul" is overused to my subjective opinion

maybe so but I haven't seen it do you prefer the latin anima mundi

"insane asylum" is redundant like salty salt
asylum is just a place of protection

"a tuba plays, booming" love the image, seeing bright brass
"it is raven girl and singing skulls
swaying hips" skulls don't have hips, maybe rephrase?

swaying hips is raven girl

who is Fuzzy Mijmark
carnivorous plant

"golden mournings paradise" golden mourning of paradise? or golden mornings (like them less)
loving those they eat I need the apostrophe mourning's eeek :)

of paradise?? Ill contemplate but I want it paired down ...one less connective word

You know I love to hear from you always
I tend to write the dark side and there are good reasons for it I find it more seductive Its an emotional release. Its what drew me to poetry in thee first place I love Sylvia Plath

Ironically I'm quite detached from woe. I'm filled with light and it casts a long shadow It exhilarates me to write it

"literary text should be regarded as the expression of the psychology of an individual, which in its turn is the expression of the milieu and the period in which the individual lives

Best to you always
Z

author comment

The second and still very common meaning for asylum is an institution offering shelter and support to people who are mentally ill.
The first meaning is a right for protection.
Take a look on the implied images workshop you might find it interesting.

IRiz

okay but consider this

the world soul
an insane asylum

the world soul
an asylum

doesnt the latter seem too passive ...there is no madness in it...doesn't it need to be specific to insanity despite the technical attribution?

author comment

the world soul
a screaming/burning/roting/wrathing/fucking/growing/raging asylum
sediment the guts can't hold

You pick :):):)

IRiz

after all what you say
there is a fucking soul
which can't be held
by Earthern/earth holes

It was not my intention

IRiz

better fucking yet,,, I assume I can use it, you wonderful inspired goddess of ink :)

author comment

Lol.
You are too sweet

IRiz

You move me my lovely friend.

author comment

At some point you might consider taking these to an erotic artist, or any artist that want to do an erotic collaboration (like Picasso did, and many others) .
It seems like the type of poetry that would be well served by drawings, etchings, or the modern photographic marvels. There must be a large market for this...
and after you make it, can I get an autographed copy.

As for the poem...what else can I say?

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Well my friend I am an artist, a painter and sculptor all my life. MFA Worked as a professional illustrator for fortune five hundered's. Exhibited with the Stanford U art faculty privately also shown at the Oakland Museum and SF MOMA tours and travel etc and have recently considered just that. Its always the marketing thats the expensive conundrum It would have to be sort of back door about it : haahaahaa :) . and my hands are full with mainstream concerns Id like to make pervy avantgarde films
Its a thought. Id like to work with some models but thats like someone with a food addiction working with food :O

Did you ever see In the realm of the senses?

author comment

powerful poem. the image of the spider waiting to eat the fat fly frames the poem well. erotic carnivorous. your use of Iriz's suggestions is hilarious and works damn well. nice write!

I know She took that thing and put it on steroids....lucky me!!!!!!!
Thanks Greg I'm delighted that you liked the write

Best Z

author comment
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