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Daily for peace let us hunger

Strife let us learn to slough,
and to each other offer an olive bough
On earth if there is peace
our bodies and souls will be at ease.

Let peace dwell in our marrows
and its rumbling with ardor echo,
across every land,creek and hill;
every yearning heart let it thrill.

Peace the world desires,
and these most it requires;
a tranquil nature like a dove
and a heart filled with love.

Let us give peace a chance.
Our speeches it must enhance.
Only hearts filled with beatitude
could nurture a world of quietude.

Let us keep flame of peace burning
Let love daily fuel our yearning
Let us all sheath our dagger
Daily for peace let us hunger

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

and a heart filled with love seems short on beats
perhaps this suggestion and a heart that is
this is only a suggestion

last stanza first line
try let's keep the flame of peace burning and see if you like the way it fits

Title could be something stronger as this is what will draw your readers attention
the premise of the poem is good keep writing would like to see more

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

and a heart filled with love seems short on beats
perhaps this suggestion and a heart that is
this is only a suggestion

last stanza first line
try let's keep the flame of peace burning and see if you like the way it fits

Title could be something stronger as this is what will draw your readers attention
the premise of the poem is good keep writing would like to see more

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

and a heart filled with love seems short on beats
perhaps this suggestion and a heart that is
this is only a suggestion

last stanza first line
try let's keep the flame of peace burning and see if you like the way it fits

Title could be something stronger as this is what will draw your readers attention
the premise of the poem is good keep writing would like to see more

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

Thank you so much, I appreciate your effort so much.

author comment

for the many times my comment printed

Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)

No problem sir, I really it must have been as a result network challenge. Thanks so much once again sir.

author comment

I see your work more as a song lyric than a poem. I have recently run a workshop about it, and finally am able to put some broad categories to distinguish. It's not at all because of the title, (one of the famous Lennon songs), but the singularity of subject, the style of rhyme, the sing along aspects (let's...) , the absence of metaphor ( other than "like a dove"), and has the feel good images of popular songs.
I do think it would be very important to continue the rhyme into the 2 last lines.
There have been many songs about peace, the more the merrier! I think yours is a good one!
Does it matter if its a lyric or a poem. I think there is a distinction, but both are welcome and part of our culture. But for me a good song lyric works best with music, whereas a poem exists in it's in the spoken universe only.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you so much for your effort, It is so much appreciated.

author comment

It's really amazing I just heard John Lennon's "Give Peace A Chance"for the first time today. Thanks so much once again for your wonderful critique .

author comment

Wow, that's grand! Do you know any of these- By Dylan The Masters of War, and Blowing in the Wind. By Phil Ochs- I ain't marchin anymore. Buffe Saint Marie- Universal Soldier.
These are the more famous peace/anti war songs from the last generation of those types of songs, from he 1960's. There really can never be enough of those!

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

I will search for them right away. Thanks so much again

author comment

I like your poem, the title though
is a song from Lennon, almost verbatim.

You did slightly over use "Peace", but
not to the point of redundancy ... almost.

great theme, great message, thanks for
sharing.

I can only add welcome to Neopoet and suggest that you read a lot of poetry.
We don't have to invent poetry as we go, we can learn from the masters without losing originality, in fact avoiding un-originality.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

Thank you much sir, I will definitely read more to learn from the masters.

author comment

The only one I question is
and a heart filled with love.
and a heart that is filled with love.
Not sure why you did that one, it seems to disrupt the flow a little.
Please always remember my friend that my suggestions are only ever that, suggestions (except the one about naming your sonnets, I feel pretty strongly about that). And also that my reading and interpretation can be seriously flawed. Esker often gave better feedback by writing his own poems in response than I do by offering technical suggestions.
You must remain master of your own work.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

Yes, I just noticed the change caused a disruption in the flow.I can't really remember why I made the now but i will edit it right away.Jess your suggestions are always the best for me.And honestly I appreciate all your efforts.And thanks for the comments Jess.

author comment

You are using Neopoet as the tool for which it was designed.
Proud to be working with you, brother.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Managing Directors, with Richard (themoonman)

Thank you so much Jess, I really appreciate the commendation.

author comment
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