Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Cup 2 (exploration workshop)

He made them by the dozen and so swift.
Quite unremarked the cups all seemed to be.
A haggle, then Denarii, then the gift
is taken for the slave’s new bride to be.

Upon a Sunday morning brisk and cold,
they watch a crowd lay palm leaves for a man
who rides upon an ass, yet seeming bold.
Another huckster, think they, with his clan.

A night of turmoil, fear and wrongful threats;
they beat him ‘til his flesh is stripped from him.
Upon the tree he bleeds, the cups are wet.
The old man casts the fullest as a whim.

A young boy steals it. He will sure not tell.
The cup will serve his hungry family well.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This needed twelve stanza. I may flesh it out. It's a spooky subject and even though so much of the story is missing, must be inferred, it turned out better than I expected. I think it's a bit confusing, but could be made otherwise with "time"... something we have little of here. I am a slow and careful writer. This pace of a journalist is teaching me a few new tricks.
Editing stage: 

Comments

This poem brings up dialect and how it affects such strict forms as this. i have heard "family" pronounced with both 2 and three syllables............stan

As recent as last year I would have written it as a contraction to get my "two" syllables, but listening to people around the barn (who have multiple dialects) I decided it was but two syllables. Then I had to deal with the aesthetics. Does "family" look better than "fam'ly"? There are a lot of these words, but I think if we don't write in out natural dialect we do our poetry a disservice. Without our native tongue it is not necessarily OUR poetry. And then I will assume the reader will read "naturally" enough as to not even notice the correct spelling with its confused metric decision.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

an off the cuff writing if you know what I mean sir.
liked the tale and the ending.

Not sure about the use of "Quiet" as an unstressed beat.

and remember, identical rhyming is NOT allowed in sonnets [be & be] in Stanza 1. Also [threats & wet].

and LOL, this of course doesn't say that my sonnet is perfect. Please let me know what you think sir.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Pugilist wanted fast, not necessarily good. I don't write well under pressure and it shows here.
However, I'm fascinated by the concept and may have to expand this. Three stanza was not nearly enough.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

author comment

I like that you have used the grail as your subject for the cup - I don't think that I would've been clever enough to think of a subject that raises the post as this....

Contrary to your 'last few words', I think the missing parts are well inferred to anyone who knows the story.... to tell the story to someone who doesn't know it would require more than a sonnet... I would be disappointed if you expanded this - I think the sonnet version works so well.

As for the form ... apart from the misses in perfect rhyme - be/be and threats/wet - I find no great faults.... 'and so swift' , if anything - but it still runs off my tongue ok....

I enjoyed this write, Wes
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.