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Cough the news

<p>It's about our safety and security dependents upon this surrogate REDATCTED\\\ I love freedom, don't you? ? ? I fell over silently when the tanks rolled in] REDACTED\\\ When the poll tax riots occurred in London] We lost, people died, police died. REDATCTED\\\ When they re-emerged - they tried at] least With a great silence- well that fucking worked 99 percent - is silent failure in the face of powerful indifference We are depending too much on all of these people. I appeal to all those independent anonymous thinkers] \\start thinking\\start hacking. They told us everything would be OK They told us everything would be OK They told us everything would be OK They told us everything would be OK Start watching what they actually do, the quiet Australians</p>

Style / type: 
Free verse
Last few words: 
I really want to know what you think.
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is not a poem - but it could be

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

it could be! ~ Geezer.
.

Comments and critique are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

That's my last John cage moment - promise!

This is not to be seriously considered, as I was not considered seriously composed at the time I posted it. thanks for your patience.

Cheers.

Chris.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment

firstly I don't understand the punctuation..the brackets, the <p> thing and </p> thing...
I think if it were put in a poetry form to look more of a poem would make me appreciate the work more.

Recently saw this quote by Clive James in Poetry Notebook- If you wonder if what you are reading is a poem, then it is not. To me to be a poem requires some relation to the craft- meter, rhyme, enjambment, metaphor, charged words, etc. and this does not have any of that...

In the world here, "redaction" is is a big new key word from the 2 year report clearly showing the US president to just be a fucking naive idiot to assume everything is fair in politics including sleeping with the enemy. He has surrogates to redact any information he wants. Did not know this was a universal problem also shared by you all down under .

But being a poem or not does not qualify a work to be judged "good" or "bad", and i think the work has merit as a creative writing something or other. I think the repetition at the end would be more effective in a poetry form. For me, when free verse is too free it enters the world of being contrived, trying to outdo itself with being "modern". Despite the "modernist tradition" (which in itself is ridiculous- it can't be both!) I think the reader of poetry still refers a poetic frame, like an artist using a pencil or pen to make a drawing. We all have to make our own decisions. To me, this is not a poem.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

After a long day. It was just an experiment. I am not particularly proud of it, as I mentioned to Geezer:

That's my last John cage moment - promise!

This is not to be seriously considered, as I was not considered seriously composed at the time I posted it. thanks for your patience.

Cheers.

Chris.

Back to some serious poetry. Clive James was corect.

Chris Hall - Tasmania

Grossbooted draymen rolled barrels dullthudding out of Prince's stores and bumped them up on the brewery float. On the brewery float bumped dullthudding barrels rolled by grossbooted draymen out of Prince's stores.

author comment
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