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couch 3 - haiku (an exploration of style subject and critique WS)

funny how the ouch
with a simple c in front
spells couch - a comfort

~~~~~~~~

soft cushioned pasture
even though cultivated
still nature's sofa

~~~~~~~~~
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
I wrote the first off the cuff - and it is more senryu than haiku.. then took the time today to rethink a nature one for a more adequate haiku.... thought I'd post both for honesty's sake :)
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like both and yes, the second is closer to a haiku.
I see the third line (in both) is a kind of continuation of the second line.
I always thought it should be a fragment.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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to my understanding, is truer to form (apart from theme)

The first and second, and the second and third lines should read logically, without the aid of the other...

as for as the 'cutting' - which I must admit, I have never really totally understood - I tried to achieve that to some extent with the dichotomies of nature and cultivation..... but from my understanding of the 'cut' - in this write it comes at the end of the first line (it is also my understanding it can be anywhere in the poem not necessarily at the end of the second line - anywhere a hyphen would fit..)

I don't really enjoy haiku, so my efforts are possibly half-hearted and definitely never that much good lol

Thanks Rula
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

isn't it necessary for a Haiku to be related to nature...I may be wrong...just a thought...

raj (sublime_ocean)

It was originally, but these days english, at least, haiku seems to be a little more broad in it's theme

But my second haiku refers to nature, as I said in my 'last words' ... i wrote the first off the cuff, then re-thought and wrote one pertaining to nature...
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

Ok...perhaps my comment was out of place which is why i was defensive in saying it was just a thought..

without doubt you know better. i am just an amateur...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Me too
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

loved both of them. Good job.

Alid

Thank you
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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