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Couch 2 - a sonnet (an exploration of style subject and critique WS)

Of all the seats invented, one persists.
'Twould be the one for which most all would vouch,
and say a greater comfort can't exist
than when one's resting on one's favourite couch.

With stays and cushions sprung in interplay,
a range of shapes to fit, so every station
could then recline and while away the day
in clever, contemplative conversation.

A travesty - we all did something dumb.
We placed a television set too near.
Invention spoilt the sofas' savvy hum,
and now potatoes sit on them, I hear.

With everything ignored, except the screen,
intelligence is now in quarantine.
.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 

Comments

good re-take cleverly done ...a nice surmise about couch potatoes

raj (sublime_ocean)

Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

This is an enjoyable funny read. I can't fault the structure but in Stanza 1 line 4. "....resting on one's. ....."

I like the turning point (the volta) in line 9 as well as the couplet where most of the fun lie.
Hope others will come soon with more comments.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I'm glad you enjoyed this
As for that verse... I think it works ok... I'll see if anyone else thinks it out....
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

This is just plain fun.
The catalectics worked and did not distract from the rhythm, though they were quite noticeable to me.
Personally, I think the advent of the television completed a pair. One without the other is so 19th century.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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Thanks Wes - I'm happy you enjoyed it..
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment

I am having trouble with line 2:

"'Twould be the one for which most all would vouch,"

The syllable count and stress pattern is good, but I am having problems with the flow.

---------------------------------------------------------

Jonathan Moore

'twould BE the ONE for WHICH MOST ALL would VOUCH
Or
'TWOULD be the ONE ...
-either way is off I know, but I'll claim poetic license since you did say off the cuff required... and I can't figure another way to say it atm
Thanks Jonathan
Love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

author comment
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