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The Cloud

cowards have used the cloud for acquisition
to hide lies about friends and foes alike

as the misty mountain top flees from
inquisitions and cries out loud

so may your eyes open wide
as the mists of liars collides

with the reality that most of us
want peace and heavenly sunrise

which chases the lying clouds away
leaving the pine green freshness over daisies

to wake us to higher aspirations
to clean the air and leave us breathless

after waiting in line to reach the top
of Mt. Everest, now too common

like the storm clouds of confusion
misapprehension, willful bending of the facts

to pull the wool over our eyes as
far as we can't see while asleep..

wake up to the song of the nightingale
who knows how to divide the chaff from the ray

if you trip over the edge (rye for night)
through phantom emotions awry and fallen to the depths,

take a hike up Smokey Mountain
to open your eyes wide and

screw your head back on straight:
the gate to healthy living!

trace the water falls of El Yunque
'midst smiles of universal hiking....

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I can understand the title, The Cloud, but to me the poem was about the beauties beyond the ego. Your word uses and metaphorical allusions were marvelous. At one point I felt it was getting too long...
I reread it and now know where this feeling came from. With wake up you are making a direct address, which can come over like preaching.

Instead of wake up to, And then there is the song of the nightingale. Its just an idea, and why I mention it is because I have been often accused of preaching.

It's your poem, but I think without direct address, it would be more beautiful.

T

The most powerful reaction
of mind on mind
is transference of sight

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