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The Clearing

Submitted by Sarah Shaw on Fri, 2023-05-05 19:29

My mind wanders off again
The blurred lines of
reality and fantasy
Imagination
Stark reality
Flying high like a kite
though I hold on
with all my might
For the wind, it blows too strong
Little voice is the loudest of all
Wearing her cloak
Of invisibility
She wants to be lost in the crowd
While my true self
hovers like a cloud
Waiting for the rain
for the clearing to begin.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Fri, 2023-05-05 19:29

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The below is a computer generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

/5

"The Clearing" is a poem that explores the internal conflict between one's imagination and reality. The speaker's mind is constantly wandering and struggling to distinguish between what is real and what is not. The use of imagery, such as the kite flying high in the wind, adds depth to the poem and helps to convey the speaker's sense of being pulled in different directions.

The line "Little voice is the loudest of all" is particularly impactful, as it speaks to the power of our inner thoughts and how they can often overpower our sense of reality. The use of personification in the line "Wearing her cloak of invisibility" adds a layer of mystery to the poem and makes the little voice feel like a tangible entity.

However, the poem could benefit from some structural changes. The abrupt shift from the speaker holding on to the kite to the little voice being the loudest of all feels disjointed and could be better connected. Additionally, the ending feels somewhat abrupt and could use more development to fully bring the poem to a satisfying conclusion.

One suggested line edit would be to change "Though I hold on with all my might" to "Yet I hold on with all my might." This change would better emphasize the struggle the speaker is facing and make the line more impactful.

Overall, "The Clearing" has some strong moments but could use some refining to fully realize its potential.

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Geezer

Sat, 2023-05-06 00:08

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the pace is good, it moves right along.
I like the theme, as it shows the inner voice, the part of a person that signals desperately
"Hey, there's something wrong here"!

The one that tries to look out for the whole of the person,
who is feeling invisible, and ineffectual.
The one thing that I might change is, the word reality in the fifth line.
I would try and use another word, maybe something like [images].

The beginning starts off with the introduction of the protagonist being confused
and wanting nothing more than anomynity. However, there is a part of them that wants
to escape the confusion and become 'normal'. This is a good piece that delves into the hidden
inner workings of the mind. The poem ends with the resolve to stay above the storm and ride it out.
Nice work! ~ Geezer.
.

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