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CHANGES

CHANGES

They hit hard and take away your breath,
numb the soul and heart to near death
those unexpected seconds of tragedy,
a sudden knowing that changes your life
forever, forever never the same...
the world is dressed in a shroud of grey,
my eyes have been blinded to others about me
my mind unable to see more than the thoughts
that haunt to near insanity.
a memory will always tear you apart
as soon as it replays a hurt or regret.
but those recollections that recall
the good times and we see the dead
live again
are by far the hardest to bear...
you are alone; no one is there
to hold and comfort
you

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Comments

i went through a lot
saw enough shit to last me
a few lifetimes
and somehow others participated
in honorable horrors
world wars and korea vietnam
bosnia and rhwanda
and family horror
Enough personal stories
from trusting souls whom loved
me that I worked for
how did they endure
how did they survive
many didnt taking their
own lives and others
losing too the demons
and voices in their heads

comfort....I was lucky...
I had many women
whose arms and laps
I cried into
weeping like a baby
I hated myself for being
so weak..not strong
but they helped me
ease that pain
that load

asked a woman who
worked the road
had terrible things done
to her by family and so
called friends along the
way what she saw in
me.....the darkness
I fight and sometimes
give in too
when its strong
and the good which
shines in the most
unexpected of times
..I asked her too sit
on my lap..so I can
look into her beautiful
haunted eyes
put my arm about her
like two kammeradens
taking a break
sharing some beers
in daylight outside
her apartment
she looked at me
and said...
Both are beautiful
in their own way!

was something
that was never said
too me
before...

I tried to shove many
away....
like a wounded wolf
but they dragged me
out or crashed my
pity party
put me too work
and kept me busy
till that passed...
intimacy was a horror
from youth i hated
and wanted..
and somehow
recieved..
along the way
moments of tenderness
and trade
tools to fight the bleakness
of how I still see the world
gritty and grey

learned how to laugh
and survive
but for years I stood
alone...walled up
not trusting anyone
not even myself

the world is cruel
but it has its beautiful
moments too
even for wolf.or shark
like me

it is horrid when there
is nothing
I met a few
I was one of these
and maybe deep
down it still is there
I have horrible moments
every month
I fight it tooth and nail
xmas coming up will
be very hard....
that itch U cannot
scratch as Leon
said In Bladerunner

we at least keep
observing through
poetry the expression
of Pain
which I relate to Joe

thank U for faithfully
documenting the
passage and route
as U go.
a lesson in humanity
to us all...

thank U!

we..us kids got love and training...taught house skills social schmoozing..
and...well a twisted kind of hate!! (Why cant U be like Mrs Smiths son..
he never smashed all his toys...) etc..anyway....I got mother issues...
and I do love her...even though shes gone....never a nice hug....
always those claws digging into our ribs..welts...and the cackle...but
she had a tough go as a kid! laughter is a madness to some...
still when she was quiet that was very very very disconcerning..
but....Im housecleaning..the one time she was happy and not interogating
us.....records on...Frank sinatra or boney M cranked to the moon
vacuming like crazy..dusting with Lemon Pledge!!
the little HOOVER laundry machine hooked up to the sink...
putting the laundry on the line...the pulley way up the hill
Bakelite wheel on aluminum frame...Like the screen doors
with your monogramed Family initial..Oh those were the
big deal back then!! the Wheel never got graphite or oil
something that irked me as a kid!! It bawled like a calf
or sheep...an animal sound that would echo on summer
sunny days in the screen window and drag me from
sleep...echo off the shack and trees....
I oiled it one day...climbing the ladder...all proud
but then I missed the damn sound!! weird!

so Im cleaning this place...feeling like Im accomplishing
much.....and I got this thought....People stuff their pets
its been done..creepy as hell..Like Trigger the Horse!
and then of course Norman Bates and Ed Gaines comes
to mind!! etc....But I was chuckling cause should the
rest of us kids now grown ever spoke of this...I know
they would be horrified but laugh just the same.

I kinda got the idea from Vacation with Chevy chase
when the aunt passes....comedia de larte!!
so Im imagining talking to my mother....when I get
very tired or super stressed out I talk too myself...
part of my mental disability...I do voices and stuff
too...cause Im scared probably...anyway..Im imagining
Mother sitting there....as if it was My turn to "have"
mother for the xmas Holidays!!
"Its her eyes...I swear everywhere I go shes staring
at me!!" which made me laugh...and thinking of
the siblings...
"Its my turn this year to Have Mother!!"
dusting her hair....touching up the make up..
Doing her nails..those red claws..Ha....we had
to rub her tired smelly feet when she came
home from work..nursing all day...
she made it fun...would tickle us with them
roll us about on the floor...stick em in our
face....she was a jovial old sport!!
and strong!! and happy!! we would run
and make her the ceasar or fetch her some
rum mix...happy we could make her happy!
rest of time..she cooked..pushed mower
about....swooped down on anyone picking
on us..but taught us to fight battles
and take yer lumps..fair referee to all..
(just that cold way she could cut you down)
I emulated that.....become better at it.
a skill that came in handy...but..
its bad ju ju...
anyway..the funny dark humor...

until I caught myself...Oh you need
to change into the post holiday clothes...
my brother would fall over dead at
that thought....But she always reminded
us how she changed our diapers...
there was more....but thats not appropriate
for here...

My friend when his mom got sick had to do
everything...health care only goes so far..
and I think is correct to look after our elders
Hug them as U would want..a connection
when everything else fades away....

cept..those words..that barbed wire she spun
about herself kept me away.....bad enough
I got...."I depended on U the most to look
after me..." what? what about your devoted
husband! your own daughter...the only
child U could have?? my brother she
lavished....but he asked..If U dont ask
U dont recieve....that was our motto..

but the funny dark humor...

I shifted it to her in the grave..Cremation
for both..spreading of ashes..
but IF they had a plot...
talking to her when I visit..
"Mrs McCrakken over there! her son
brings her flowers and pours Gibsons
Finest every birthday....Wheres my
Bacardi!!!...and two plots over..Mr
Smith has ten grandchildren...and
hordes of grandchildren...U talk to
Your daughters...where are my
grandchildren!! ..me..Uh Mom
I got a call...gotta go!!!"
mom..
"See Thelma....my son the too busy
to spend time with his mother like
your Ricky!! oh there he goes...
I Love U son...Im holding the window
Seat in Heaven..(or hell ) for U
and I know she would cause she
Loved me.."

this is how I survive....weird or what?!

but I made her homemade cards
she adored till the end...bought her
a tea pot one mothers day..
sent her flowers in the apartment
she cleaned one Birthday!

did my best!!

but the alone part...I get this...
I force myself to gad fly out there
and make the women friends
They hug me.....and each
hug fills that terrible void inside
me...
not meladramtic...what I have
to do to suffuse that..
and it works...

and When I get sick ..I have to let
em in....only happens when Im
tired....crashed..then they know
like a tranquilZed animal they
can lounge...

wish it didnt have to be that way..

I relate a lot to You Joe!!
all about pain isnt it...
and not even bodily...
so for what its worth brother...
I get it!
every word of this poem!

U say what I dare not say..
such a brave soul!

thank U sir ..I find your poetry
all of it uplifiting

Thank U again!

mr wolf!

but those recollections that recall
the good times and we see the dead
live again
are by far the hardest to bear...

My wife died around 4 years ago after 37 years of sharing. I find those memories help me relive the joys of the past, although I don't indulge in them on a frequent basis, preferring to live in the present.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

my heart goes out to you.,

author comment

a '''memory''
will always tear you apart
as soon as it
''replays''

vengeance it displays!

a hurt or regret.

one can
never forget!

no matter how much
LOVE YOU BEGET...

TRUE

author comment
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