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Caregiver Compassion:
Just a caring smile
Utilized once in a while
Goes the extra mile
Last few words:
Staving off sickness with a Smile
Editing stage:
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Comments
Vivovon
Mon, 2016-09-05 16:34
Smile
It is good. No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted (Aesop).
'Smile' is one syllable. You may check it out at https://www.howmanysyllables.com/wordprocessor. So, the first line has only 4 syllables. I also put up a haiku (rhyku). Please take a look at it and let me know your view. Thank you.
xxxxx
OriginalRhyku
Mon, 2016-09-05 21:42
Just a Caring Smile
Thanks Vivovon and Remark for pointing out that my smile was off by a syllable. I have just turned on the smile and it is there for your helpful input.
author commentSparrow
Tue, 2016-09-06 04:13
Rhyku
A good write and as is, is correct 5-7-5 but there are differences between the USA syllables and the ordinary English, English so on some Senyru or Haiku there will be the odd discrepancy, this is talked about a lot.
It is fine which ever way it is written English or American check as the original Japanese had a little leeway built in, Poetic licence, Yours Ian..
.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti
OriginalRhyku
Tue, 2016-09-06 08:58
Smile
Sparrow, thanks for the clarification.
author commentKeith Logan
Wed, 2016-09-07 04:45
Not sure if this is a particular form
but for a smoother read how about dropping utilized?
Just a caring smile
once in a while
Goes that extra mile
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Vivovon
Wed, 2016-09-07 10:38
Utilized
Yes. I agree with Keith. "Utilized" is a bit hard and heavy in the flow. As we have to keep 5/7/5, I suggest as follow. How does it sound? Finding a meaningful, pretty and soft word is always difficult.
Just a caring smile
Even if once in a while
Goes that extra mile
xxxxx
OriginalRhyku
Wed, 2016-09-07 20:24
Utility of utilized
Vivovon, Keith, appreciate your poetic suggestions. The reason for using utilized is the transition from a second hard syllable into a third soft syllable similar to a smile transforming a hard situation into a soft agreeable state.
author commentOriginalRhyku
Wed, 2016-09-07 20:26
Utility of utilized
Vivovon, Keith, appreciate your poetic suggestions. The reason for using utilized is the transition from a second hard syllable into a third soft syllable similar to a smile transforming a hard situation into a soft agreeable state.
author comment