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Can I Be Brave?

Silence dwells within a myriad of dreams
I lay my imagination to rest on an unquiet mind
Conjuring a listless sensation, severing my thoughts
Floating like driftwood on the ocean waves

Can I be brave?

Can I salvage any of my former self?
A docile slumber rocks my will to try
I'm exasperated from each crashing wave
I fear I can't be saved

I ask my mind to grant me answers
Alas, it merely proposes to rest my broken pieces on the sea bed
And let the sands bury my only sense of purpose

I attempt to find the will to grasp some air of life
The sun, that I never thought I would feel again
Kisses my skin
My soul is tempted to let its light in

Yet my mind plays tricks
Whispering of my own self worth being nothing in this land
That I should surrender to the sea
Let my will remain in the rolling waves and ocean sands

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
Thanks for any advice. I have always struggled with the english language as I have Dyslexia. But I also find such fulfilment from writing. I apologise in advance for any errors.
Editing stage: 

Comments

Maiden piece for Neopoet LG. Welcome to this happy community where your work will be very much appreciated.
I think your title is okay (Although I would be more interested in the answer). It should draw the reader in.
Your language use is very good also (although I already know that don't I?)
Rhythm pattern and spacing ~ again very good, an easy to read poem.
I would have used something like "the water's sands" in final line, to avoid being repetitive with ocean (just a thought LG)
Also in stanza 4 L. 3 I wouldn't have used quite so many 'rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr's' . Glad you came along though.

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Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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Hello Alan,

Thanks ever so much for taking time to read and advise me. Although my brain is struggling to find the line you mean. Sorry but my brain gets confused at times. If you could pop the line full of rrrrrr’s in a comment, I would be most grateful.

You have guided me once before in regards repeating words. I must say, I do like your help here as I miss sometimes when I do it. I like your advise on my last line. So thank you. I would much prefer help to understand writing. For me it has always been a challenge and I don’t trust myself when I write. The good thing about writing in this day and age, is I don’t have to rely on handwriting my work. No one would be able to understand it lol

Thanks again, I will put all you have said into perspective and see if I can buff up my poem

Kind regards and many thanks

LG

author comment

Don't worry 'bout this.
'And let the sands beneath bury (not burry) what was once my only sense of purpose'.

Hope that this helps. We Brits have to stick together you know.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
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Yay thanks for that. And yes we Brits do lol
I am going to work on this now I think.
Thanks for all the support

Kindest Regards
LG

author comment

Hello Alan, I have edited my poem and would love your feedback as always

Kindest regards
LG

author comment

I think, LG. This is where Neopoet kicks in, All helping you to create a better poem. I expect your first day here has been a great experience, a lot more than you expected. More good things to come.

.......................................
Critique is a compliment
Kind regards, Alan
.......................................

Thank you Alan. I indeed feel I have discovered quite the treasure with finding this site. I am thrilled to be taking part in the workshop, which I already feel has taught me something. This is a wonderful place to exercise your writing and discover more wonderful poets too

Kindest Regards

LG

author comment

your language skills. Having Dyslexia and managing to write such long complicated sentences, is not an easy task!
I would try to pare those sentences down and give yourself a break!

Silence dwells within a myriad of dreams
I lay my imagination to rest on an unquiet mind
Conjuring a listless sensation, severing my thoughts
Floating like driftwood on the ocean waves

I have given you an example of what I mean and you can
figure out for yourself if shaving off some words, but making sure that you don't lose the meaning of the line, will work for you.
It is always our intent here, to give advice and not dictate how to improve your work; so don't take my word for being the last word. LoL. ~ Geezer.
P.S. Welcome to Neo. Glad to add you to our rolls.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Thanks so much for your time and for all your advise. It is greatly received. I tend to write and read out loud my work. I was taught to recognise when I take certain breaths, as a way to understand how to manage my punctuation and layout. I thank the internet for teaching me words. I can’t read for long, I end up repeating the same lines or page, or I get fatigued. But I don’t allow such things to stop me. Because I find poetry in particular such a beautiful way to express. And if anyone on here can help me improve my poems and ability to comprehend that skill of writing, then I will always feel indebted. I must thank you for the example. As it helps greatly. I will keep looking at it when I attempt to improve this piece. Everything you have said makes perfect sense. Reading your example I can understand how simplifying it won’t remove the weight of the message, but simply make it nicer to read and assist in its flow. I just hope I can improve the rest of it, just as well.

Thank you for being so kind and helping me
All the best and kind regards

LG

author comment

Hello, I hope you don't mind. I edited my poem. I kept in mind your advise and would love to know if I did a good job, or if there is room for improvement.

Many thanks for all the help

Kind Regards
LG

author comment

I certainly don't mind. I think you have done a fine job! I am glad that my little part of your effort is appreciated.
There are some poets here, that ask for critique and never take any of your suggestions or use any of one's advice to improve the work. I makes us feel like we have wasted our time. You didn't do that! You took our advice and used it! Good job!
~ Geezer.
.

Please acknowledge critique and comments.
They are a vital part of our community!
Critique or comment today!

Try and chase for the truth and you may never find it but allow it to find you is a sort of wisdom that most need to discover.
At the same time can we all hide within ourselves?
It takes an amount of courage to press that save button and publish your, mine or the feelings we all have. To share them.
As the song goes, be Brave. We all need an amount of bravery.
We all need to find Joy and Peace.
I love your style of writing LittleGift and your theme.
A big welcome to Neopoet.
Later,

~Mark~
To comment is necessary.
To acknowledge a comment is a compliment.

Visit Chat, mix and mingle often!

Thank you Mark for the very kind and warm welcome. I am so thrilled you liked my poem. Such wise words you speak. I find talking to other poets so fascinating, because they are such contemplators of life. I always leave feeling I have learnt something. I as did reading your lovely message today.

I am excited to be here. Finally a place where I can learn much about writing poetry, and also read some wonderful works from others

Thanks again
LG

author comment

The piece is nice and poetically interesting. But could've been more tidier. I feel you're trying to discover a better, stronger ground to spread out your thoughts for a more lasting and an eye-catching effect yet overall, you nailed it.

chimaono

Thank you ever so much, yes I am still very much the learner. But I am loving getting some constructive feedback, such as yours. So glad you liked my poem. I hope I can improve my tidiness as I learn more.

Many thanks for being so kind as to read and leave me something helpful

Kind regards

LG

author comment

Your poetry contribution to Neopoet is very good, especially, since you have dyslexia working against you. I tip my hat to you. I know how difficult it must be. Great Job. Regards, JerryK.

Thanks so much for reading my poem. I love writing but I never trust my brain. I spent a long time feeling stupid. I am always very aware of myself when it comes to writing. It is lovely to find a site that actually helps people improve their writing. I am thrilled to be here.

Thank you for your kind words today

LG

author comment
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