Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
BRANCHES (memorable free form shop)edit 1
I take a break along my path
which led me to be here
and my journey looking back
seems clear
Still, I recall forks aplenty
from here they all point the way
like arrows aimed straight at the past
...................toward choices passed
Indeed the last fork even now
fades with the overgrowth of time
leaving but the trail I trod
to this present piece of sod
to now
Now I turn forward again
where branches fork like crazed dogwood
and I approach yet one more choice
which trail will fade, which will grow
which one leads to greater good?
No way to know
* just 1st edit, I'm still not finished
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words:
I have stated in a past blog that I believe a change is coming in poetry in which the best parts of both rhyme and free verse are merging into a form which allows the freedom of expression of free verse yet also by use of limited rhyme lends itself to easy recall. This is my 1st attempt at such. What better place to find out its weaknesses?.............stan
Editing stage:
(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.
Comments
scribbler
Tue, 2012-08-28 21:40
Hi Beau
I'll gather a few more comments then then edit with your ideas in mind. I know this is probably tecnicall an open form poem but I hope that the unobtrusive rhyme and word usage might make it a bit more memorable. Far too many free verse writers imho are so averse to using Any rhyme, rhythm or any other devices that they pretty much guaratee that most of their stuff will hardly be recalled in even an hour, much less a few days.
I'm kind of bashfully proud of that overgrowth of time phrase also lol.............stan
author commentscribbler
Tue, 2012-08-28 23:12
hi
The best compliment you can give a rhyming poet is to tell him/her how easy they make it appear lol. As to your struggles with it, the only way to become comfortable is to Do it. Heck if I can write free verse surely Anybody can become proficient outside their comfort zone. And I disagree that this poem is a perfect example of the future but maybe it can give a hint to some REAL writer what they can pursue.............................stan
author commentscribbler
Tue, 2012-08-28 23:56
Hi
I've never been very good at receiving compliments. Just ask Jess lol. But I'm trying my best to realize that sometimes I should just say thank you, so thank you......................stan
author commentNordic cloud
Wed, 2012-08-29 15:07
Super rhythm
I danced along the branches surprised and happy
until I came to the last verse
in which the content was as fascinating as the rest,
but loosing my step in my dance.
I was a tree and happy to be.
Ann.
"The image of yourself which you see in a mirror Is dead,
but the reflection of the moon on water, lives." Kenzan.
weirdelf
Thu, 2012-08-30 05:30
Sorry mate
this does not fit the criteria 'Mindful Memorable Freeform' to me. It is just another of your Robert Frost themes.
Ron and I wanted something startling and new from this workshop.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Thu, 2012-08-30 08:59
hey
If ya'll Wanted startling you should have Asked for startling. I'm no mind reader. The requirements requested were memorable and freeform. So since this is what you Ordered, stick your fork in it and enjoy the gristly steak lol. Well......at least the form is a bit new.....................stan (baring His teeth among sharks lol)
author commentweirdelf
Mon, 2012-09-03 00:02
Sorry mate, yes, it should have been clearer
but the Objective stated- To attempt to mutually work our most profound creations together.
And in other places in the workshop thread and comments further explanations have been added like-
the poem should have a strong emotional, spiritual, intellectual, ideological or sociological impact. Other things are valid, as long as it is strong and memorable (not memorisable)
hope that helps.
cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry
scribbler
Mon, 2012-09-03 09:21
hi
I expect to turn this poem to one which startles is near impossible. But poems can be memorable for other reasons don't you agree? Sometimes it can be just a few lines which touch a reader's heart or mind. I think this one has potential on the spiritual level. But it's far from perfect and a good ways from being in its final form. Hence my FIRST edit. Others will follow as ideas for improvement enter my hangar lol.............stan
author commentjudyanne
Mon, 2012-09-03 06:10
I think with some work this
I think with some work this could be most memorable stan
maybe as a starting point for you to edit, my take?
I pause along the path
which led me here
and the route from this perspective
seems clear, still
I remember forks
pointing the way back
arrows aimed straight at the past
toward choices passed
the last fork, in its turn
fades with overgrowth of time
leaving but the trail I’ve trod
to this present piece of sod
to now
forward again
branches fork like crazed dogwood
and I approach yet one more choice
which trail will fade, which will grow
which one leads to greater good?
No way to know
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
scribbler
Mon, 2012-09-03 09:24
Hi Judy
Thanks for the ideas. The problem with brevity is that if carried too far it can lead to people being unableto grasp full meaning. But I'm shortening a few lines and redoing one or two now and am still looking at this one critically for further changes.....................stan
author commentBlueDemon77
Mon, 2012-09-03 19:36
Love the play on rhythm
I will gladly address the rest of this poem once it is finished. For now, I say the mischievous play with meter is very fun. Just when I think that next syllable will be there or I will encounter silence, BAMM! and you got me again. As for content, what I see so far is also taking other innovative
approaches but I don't want to presume. Very interesting and fun work so far!
Ron
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
scribbler
Mon, 2012-09-03 19:49
Hi Ron
Not too good of an idea to wait until I'm finished. I'm a bit notorious for going back a lot over long periods of time in editing my scribbles. So fire away when you feel like it lol............stan PS already made a few changes from original
author commentBlueDemon77
Tue, 2012-09-04 00:50
Interesting read!
At first I thought you were going to write a poem alluding to the way people react to the passage of past to future. Then you threw me by looking. It still doesn't ruin the image because who doesn't reminisce. Nice work about our paths and choices through time.
Ron Blue Demon77
Blue Demon77
"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."
The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath
scribbler
Tue, 2012-09-04 08:58
Hi Ron
I know this subject has been about worn out by poets far better than I. But then there are few subjects which haven't lol. You know there are therorists who say that time is static. That the appearance of time passing is only an illusion wrought by our ogseving it in a manner which begins at one point and progresses to the "future". Kinda like walking a trail. The trail has always been there but it only appears to move as we progress along it. Hence the pause to look back where trail has already been determined and forward where the trail will only become reality as we make choices which forks to follow..................stan
author comment