Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

Borrowed Love

Darkness rose and rapped invite on morning's window
seeking self approval under naive linens

Lips which frosted in December's coldest winter
quiver truths betrayed before they hit the pillow

Bodies sex and promise suns shall set forever as
rays of lonely light come peaking through the keyhole

Remind faceless shadows how the day makes strangers

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

This is compelling in a way and powerful. I am not sure about the form. Is it something you've created, does it have a name?

I especially loved the imagery in this line, very effective:

"rays of lonely light come peaking through the keyhole."

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

The form is just how the work came to me. No other rhyme or reason for it. No name. Thanks for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed the work and found it compelling.

Thanks,

Scott

Scott

author comment

This did not blow me away.
I am all for twisted sentences that take a moment to congeal, but when I have to fight my way through I become weary of the conflict and lay down to die (sorry, imagery workshop... brain frying... you understand).
I didn't like the poem because it was too hard. That may reflect more on me than you. Don't change anything, I just needed to throw my two cents into the boiling waters of contentious commentary...

Goddamn workshop. My mind is oatmeal and the fool thing is just getting started.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Thanks for stopping by. I didn't think this one required all that much work, but then again I am very familiar with it.

If I am not mistaken, I would venture to guess that you are trying to coax me into a workshop???

Scott

Scott

author comment

.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

which shop?

Scott

author comment

This would be your idea. I will help. My position would be moderator. You decide what you would like to "teach". It's mostly a venue to get poets talking. To a certain extent workshops run themselves. You would get the ball rolling on a subject of your choosing. You can't have Dramatic Verse, that's my next shop.
Think on it. I believe you have the skills. Your first would be traumatic, but then what you would gain would be invaluable. Remember this: the best way to learn something is to teach it.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I thought you were wanting me to participate. I really don't feel like I have time to take a workshop let alone run one. I am up at 5 am most days and work until 9 or 10 each night.

Supposing I did have time, not even certain what topic I would be able to teach.

Scott

author comment

were considerable. I don't mean now. I merely wanted you to consider it. I am building for the future. You have the skills. When you have the time my request will be repeated. The horse industry as a whole settles down in the winter, so my time loosens up which is why I'm running workshops. Come spring and then (horrors) summer I will be working sixteen hour days and I'm not going to want to be encouraging poets in a shop.
As to the topic... what is the nature of the bulk of your poetry? Look at what you like to write, what you actually write and (importantly) what you would like to write.
Let it be a marble rolling around in your head gathering thoughts on the subject (how's the imagery on that, eh?).
This workshop is making me a little nuts. I'm glad I'm not running it.
Not to say that running a workshop is a bad thing... (there I go ruining all my efforts to get you to think about workshops and leadership).

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I think that running a workshop at some point would be fun and, as you say, beneficial to my poetry. I will keep you informed as to how my schedule is looking.

Scott

author comment

I loved the imagery there. You didn't need the workshop. We are all aware you're there to add more to the workshop sir.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

You use poetry infinitely more competently than I. The stuff does not find itself into my small poems with ease. I told Stan if he didn't change my poetry in this shop I was going to find out where he lived...

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

"You use poetry infinitely more competently than I. The stuff does not find itself into my small poems with ease. I told Stan if he didn't change my poetry in this shop I was going to find out where he lived..."

W. H. Snow

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

Wow. what can I say. this is one helluva of a poem you've written. I don't really understand all of it but this is abstract and I hoped you will take Wes's offer into consideration 'cos I think I will want to be a participant in your workshop.

Alid

Wes has been after me for some time to run a work shop. Shortly after this exchange I sent him an idea for a shop, but alas Wes has not been on the site in quite some time (not that I am aware of, anyway). Now I am far too busy to run one. Not even writing much if any at all.

Thanks for taking the time to comment on multiple works. It is appreciated.

Scott

Scott

author comment

Just asking. Are you still working for such long hours? I don't know how you do it, bro. Well, take care, my friend. Work is important but so is health. You'll do no one any favours if you fall sick.

Alid

Yes, I still work long hours. Spoils of running your own business. I have no choice. It is either that or go back behind a desk for which I am ill equipped.

I am but a year removed from being hospitalized. They told me I needed to back off. It was only a matter of time before I over extended again. Perhaps if my father didn't think so lowly of me, I wouldn't be so driven.

Scott

Scott

author comment

Just a suggestion. Maybe you can try to have a heart to heart talk with him. To be driven is good as long as you don't overdo it. Try to get help with your business, bro. I know you want to prove yourself to your father but sometimes you just have to decide what is best for you and don't let others' thoughts dictate your choices in life. This won't be easy but do think about it. You are the one who is living your life, not them. I hope and pray that you'll find a way to have a better life.

Alid

I really haven't cared in quite some time what he thinks. Simpy put, there are just things that happened in my youth that won't let go.

Scott

author comment

can do better.
However when yo have time to do a workshop it would be much appreciate.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I can do better?

Scott

author comment

especially reading good poetry, which you obviously don't and by writing un-considered poems and not wring shit every day.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

All I do is learn. I have never considered myself accomplished at anything. I wish I could be in more workshops, but it hasn't worked out that way.

As far as reading poetry, I will admit that I don't read often enough. But to say what I am reading is not good. Not certain how you can qualify that. Anne Sexton, Langston Hughes, Henry Rollins and Emily Dickinson are at my bedside. I also read Boulevard and other such magazines. There are others. Many others that I read. Pretty certain they don't all suck.

What do you mean by "un-considered" poems? "not wring shit every day"?

Scott

author comment

my bad. You are a fine poet.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.