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The birthday party ( part two edited for play Drama)

Grampy lives alone and is becoming angry at the visits from his close or so called close family
Grampy has reached his limit, with most of his family.
We will follow the day through his birthday till about a week later.
This happens in many families but not with an ending quite so abrupt.
Most times you watch the old person sink into an old folks home totally alone, it is hard to be old.
Let’s pop in and listen to Grampy’s thoughts for a while..

"Grampy's Birthday"

"Opening scene" Grampy in his sitting room,

Talks to himself after the party, just sitting there..

Thank God they have all gone, it’s my birthday they wanted it.
I can’t stand their hypocrisy, a gathering with my family.
Thank God I am alone, there is only so much I can share,
A damn family at my age why should I care.
I sit for days here in my chair with only the phone.
If only a real phone call would come through
“Talk to me you shit”, I said, ring damn you.

Shrill sounds rocked the room, Grampy seemed to jump.

Great now I am becoming psychic.
Picks up the phone.

One of the departed boys, had left his game boy behind
Said he would call when he had time Grampy didn’t want to be disturbed again.

Go away leave me alone I was about to phone my friend,

He said.. "I don't need to be disturbed by you.

(He slammed the phone down so hard.
The ear piece broke, the piece broke off and a shard
Black as the night it was, and razor sharp,
It pierced his skin, and this was just the start.)

He looked around at the things he had there,
then the anger grabbed at him,

Shaking his head as if to shake off the pain,
He gasped.

The sound seemed to echo in his ears,
It drove him into a spate of raging tears.

Grampy paces the room slowly as only he could.
Grampy became locked in the anger and rage.

A blank red feeling scouted my mind

He had to go out and leave sanity behind.
There in that world of darkness dwelt.

I will find those responsible for how I feel.

Curtain down then up smoothly.

Scene two

The Parties End

Grampy talks to the audience for the first few lines.

Stupid me I missed the step on leaving my house.
The flashing lights, I didn’t know what the fuss was about.
I am, after a day of pain, resting back here again.
I need to sort this family out to stay sane.
The anger must have died as I hit the floor
Shut up, you lot I know about the pride and fall.

I am now sat here in my home waiting for the drone
of the family that won’t leave me alone.
I know they will come, I don't want them to call.
I feel stupid about the fall, all I want to do was bawl.

There are two grandchildren that I will call to me.
Susan and Paul, they have true feelings you see.

Knock, knock.

Enter Susan all Flustered.

“Hello Susan lovely for you to visit me"

“Grampy, what the hell did you do?

It made me cringe I thought I had lost you”

“I was angry little one, and rushed outside.
Didn’t see much until it hit my backside”
“It was my birthday that went all wrong,
The family were playing the same old song”

“But Grampy you know that I love you so”

“Yes little one I didn’t want you to go”
“It was the others that try to bleed me.
Of my money, and later they want my property".
Their gifts are as shallow as they are.
Some aftershave and shower soap in a tiny jar”

“But Grampy I haven’t had any money for a while
To buy you things that would make you smile”
“The others are so damn mean,
They are like leeches around a bloody stream.”

“Susan will you ask young Paul to come visit me?
There is something for you both, I want you to see”

“Alright Grampy I shall ask him round for tea.
Will Saturday do as we are both free?”

“Yes my sweet that will be fine”

Thinking:- It is Tuesday now and I hope I have time.

At this Susan left.

I picked up the phone and called my attorney.
He said everything would be finished by Thursday.

Scene Three

Saturday comes:- Susan followed by Paul arrive.

“Come in you two I am very much alive.
I have to let you both know what I will do
I have changed my will, and left everything to you both.

Paul suddenly stood to one side, a small gun in his hand.

Susan screamed as if stung by a bee.

Paul lifted his hand saying "It is too late for me".
He pulled the trigger.

Grampy saw a flash.

He seemed to be stuck, couldn’t flee.
His face reflects the warm glow of pain, after that, nothing.

Paul sneered "You stupid old fool”

Susan started crying, but it was to no avail,
screaming "What did you do"?
She moves quickly to hold Grampy's head.
Grampy lies still with eyes closed so dead.

Curtain LOL

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Both parts of the Birthday and additional bits to make into a short play, Yours Ian.T
Editing stage: 

Comments

You certainly tell a good story - and in rhyme too! ( do you write from your own experience? he he ).

I will leave the critique to the workshop - looks good to me though!

Love Mand xxx

Do you think I go around killing myself Ha Ha.
You would only feel sorry for me and send flowers,
and I am not to keen on flowers money will do La La.
Absolute fiction my dear, but I am so glad you asked,
that means it is reasonably good,
now I just have to wait for Wesley, don't tell him I jotted this down this morning as I thought I was late with my dramatic piece.
Take care talk to you soon,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

You always manage to make me smile! :)

really want to compose poetry
in the garb of drama ..... Part Two
who asked you to?
about Thames length
so that by the time you reach the ocean
your epicurial doesn't end
amen!

treat me like a poet
and a bard
pay me compliments
not shard
or
send by emoney
dollars hard
this is small bard!

You can have all the money I have in my wallet,
Oh shit! I use only a plastic card, there is no money inside,
not even in my mattress do I hide pennies from Heaven,
The miss-spent coins I have in a plastic box,
it's on show so any burglar would not take it so.
Just give me an addy and I will see,
after my pension what I can send to thee.
Though there are some bills I need to sort,
My tablets though are never bought.
I live in England's pleasant land,
The NHS it is so grand.
Take care my young Bard for to you I would send,
But everyone I know say I am round the bend,
To care so for all I meet,
they don't know that one day we will greet,
Each other in the great beyond,
Where stays my friends of whom I am fond,
Go well young Bard it is early into the next day..
I have too long on this computer stayed.
Night, Night, to you all, even the owl has had his call,
Twit or two, he sings to me, now I am offended at he.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

which bend Ian?
Ian do tell me
I will be there to welcome thee
and so here goes on Part three

but ere that
have some tea

get along
bard is well
the bend is down Thames
end I know
there we met one day,
when you did not know
I was the bard anyway

Have a good night's sleep
vigil will be taken care of
by the owl in me
tc
tc not BC!

I just love this. I captured every voice easily. There was no need in your poem to separate the voices bc they so well could be seen here.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

Thank you for your visit, glad that you could see the others in the script.
I have written it as a Blog and separated the talk into the individuals, as Wesley has said the end needs a little attention, Paul in the play had a one liner, the main talk between Grampy and Susan was much better, by the time he saw the gun he was on his way lol.
Take care, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

You are writing some edgy stuff of late. I approve.
This is "borderline" dramatic verse. More of a soliloquy within a play. It is known as an aside. The actor speaks to the audience as if none of the actors on stage can hear him and then he repeatedly rejoins the action with the cast. Grandpa is carrying on a conversation with us as well as the cast.
The separation of voices is slightly muddled as you use only quotation marks. The poem therefore reads more like traditional poetry instead of dramatic verse. However, as the separations are still clear if one looks this could be broken down easily and performed. I would have liked to see some stage directions to clarify when actors enter and when the gun appears other than grandpa saying so. To have him stop and speak to the audience when he is about to die slows the action.
Otherwise, this works. I liked your monologue better, but this serves well.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

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so I won't complain too much. This is outside your usual envelope and I applaud it. However, I don't like the format. It does not read as "closet drama". This is just poetry plain and simple.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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How can this be poetry, there are scenes and intro's people being brought onto stage the rhyme has been lost in several areas.
So I am at a complete loss as to where that comes from, please explain.
Had you talked about how to lay out the script for a play then that part you could say wasn't good. but please explain this to all.
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Think in terms of a script written in poetry where at the beginning of each line or lines of a character, the character is identified........stan... hmmm.... ie:
Stan :
But Ian my friend , don't you see
it's just a play in poetry.
Ian :
Well I think that now I do
so I'll go back and review

I try the best I can.
But the can always wins.
It stops my thoughts
My work comes to nought
I still try the best I can.

Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Feeling a lot better with some fresh eyes. I read it. It's a good scene. My suggestion is the play need to be more crisp. The scene is a bit muddy be scenes. The first two stanza I got up till the third I kinda got lost. I'm not sure what's happening here

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

This is so much better. I could follow it from beginning to end. I have one concern in stanza 4 "call around soon". My eyes are bad today I'm seeing through fogged lens and I just clean glasses. I'm here anyhow. I like how you set up the scenes it flows a lot better making it less muddy.

*Collaborative Poetry Workshop* American Version of Japanese Poetry ~ Renga ~ Haiku, Senyru, Tanka.

Neopoet Community

I am less concerned with a "format" for a play (mine was naught but suggestion) than I am with multiple voices trading off in... poetry. I don't have a problem with your format. It was a little confusing, but sound. There was no narration (a big no no) and the story progressed in a logical way with some surprises.
Nothing wrong here.
Besides, with the nature of the turn your poetry has taken over the last couple of pieces you could have written it on a Pepsi bottle and I wouldn't care. It's exciting to see you write something so sharp.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
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This is the updated piece for the workshop with an intro to the people or plot at the start and the initial monologue then into the final scenes of the play, I will work on it later today and see what changes are needed,
Take care out there, Yours, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

This tells a story well from the perspective of the man near his end who see the , mostly, buzzards circling.......stan

I see you have got everyone's approval on this, so I think all I need to say is that it comes so alive that anyone reads would think it is all about you!! Well done!

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I am OK he only killed me lol.
Thanks for your visit and comment, it is hard to comply with the workshop as sometimes the directive became vague, but we will muddle on,
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

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