Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.

beyond

Hunching she cried, it fell on deaf ears.
anguish and agony feed on her tears.
She stops,
Holds her breath and wished she was free,
Softly she whispers,
why daddy,
Why me.
Half muttered truths,
Well spoken lies,
She sees through his rouse,
She knows this disguise.
you be a good girl,
Mommy said its alright,
I spoke to her in heaven,
She said tonight was the night.
Crying now harder she drops to her knees,
Begs anyone listening for forgiveness,
As unwillingness starts to please.
A way to escape, freedom she craves,
But drugs are much cheaper,
She won't misbehave.
Torn and beaten, daddy's all done,
Now all his friends can join in the fun,
Crying for mommy she sobbed in choked gasps,
But knew these horrid moments would now be her last.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
The scars can be seen. the pain can be felt. Lies only bring ignorance to the truth
Editing stage: 

Comments

the rhythm you were going for, but never quite got. I would suggest that you use a different word where you used (bereft) and where you used (languish). They don't fit the rhythm and the pace. I liked the lines:
"Half spoken truths, well spoken lies" and " She sees through his rouse, knows this disguise". I really think that you were in to much of a hurry to post something and didn't take the time to edit properly. Good story-line but, it just didn't have the impact it would have, had it been better prepared. ~ Geezer

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

Welcome to Neopoet site here we quietly learn, but some can shout, I will tell you what it is all about, Later lol.
Have a great visit to us, Gee has said most of what has to be said but as a first piece, it is very good.
Yours, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

so rude and did not welcome you to the site! I thought that you were another person that has been here for awhile and would have been prepared for what I had to say. I stand by what I said, but wish to add that; Yes, for your first post, this was very good indeed! You did ask for the 'raw truth' and I gave it to you. ~ Geezer

Our Chatroom is open 24/7 Feel free to use it for
keeping in touch We have poets around the world and it is fun
to have real-time conversations with those that are up
all night or on the other side of the world.
.

A hard subject much in need of address.
Glad to see you took Gee's suggestions, it does improve the poem.
You have already entered into the spirit of Neopoet where we "grow" poems, rather than just post for ego.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

She sees through his rouse, [ruse]

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

A hard topic well done.
I agree with some of comments that the rhythm could use tweaking, but I wouldn't change this wholesale. The rhyme structure is loose, but clearly delineated. The language use is solid.
All in all, an excellent poem.
I look forward to seeing how you handle something a little more lighthearted.
Welcome to NeoPoet.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

(c) Neopoet.com. No copyright is claimed by Neopoet to original member content.