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Being (mindful-memorable-freeform-challenge)

Submitted by Ian.T on Sun, 2012-09-23 03:03

Being

Nowhere does the sun feel as good
Nowhere does the wind blow as gently
Than in the heart of a peace loving man.

Ian.T
1957

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Last few words: 
Written when I was 15 one of the first bits as I call them to be written in an exercise book just after leaving School..
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Workshop: 
Mindful Memorable Freeform: The Challenge

Comments

Ian.T

Mon, 2012-09-24 02:53

Ian.T's picture
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I have edited this for the first time in 55 years so that is progress lol.
Thank you for your read and comment, probably one of those I had never really read as you have, thanks again, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-09-25 08:36

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I have known you to edit poems before, but Blister did make good points.
I notice this was written in the year of my birth. It kinda fits, you reached at least 2 people here, so it fits the workshop.
Your short work is more effective. I know you felt short-stalled in the Story-telling workshop but I suggest you contact Wes to see how to make your longer poems more effective,

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Tue, 2012-09-25 09:38

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Yes I have edited poems before, I was just making the point as I did with Stan that this was written in the year of one of our teachers birth and as I was only 15 I thought that it could stay like it is, or nearly, just to show how I thought at that time, and also from that age.
Nothing much has changed so the words can be altered a little without the theme being damaged so be it.
Must have been a good year lol, Yours Ian.T

PS:- I rewrote most of that long poem and re submitted it and since then there has been No comment on the changes and I didn't follow it up..Sorry

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

weirdelf

Tue, 2012-09-25 10:26

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with computer problems,
remind him

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian.T

Tue, 2012-09-25 11:08

Ian.T's picture
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Sorry I had forgotten, and Wes was absent from another site I went to.
Though that has finished this week so its just Neopoet and the odd other site I post on.
I have my own site which is where all my work ever is being put there but that is an end time job as that's how long it will take to complete.

Re thinking this workshop, It is going to have to be a step outside of us all, to write that piece, we all have our own, but one for a lot of people will have to be something so profound that everyone will take note.
You say I have two plus me on this one, well I am going into my dark room to think, and I will take all the others with me, (Yenti, sparrow, and the children, plus a few more) to see what we can come up with.
"I may be some time", to quote a famous explorer.
Meanwhile "young" man, you look after yourself and know that you are in our thoughts as always, the children say that you are an awkward cuss when it comes to helping you, Yours Ian.T.

"I looked into the Abyss and there I found the ultimate peace"

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

BlueDemon77

Mon, 2012-09-24 20:52

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How do you improve upon a circle?

Ron

Blue Demon77

"What I want is to be what I was before the knife,
before the brooch pin, before the salve, fixed me in this parenthesis:
Horses fluent in the wind. A place, a time gone out of mind."

The Eye Mote-Sylvia Plath

Ian.T

Tue, 2012-09-25 03:44

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I think the first tiny change was OK, but as I said to Stan it is too old and small, to change now.
Thank you for your read and comment, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

scribbler

Mon, 2012-09-24 21:54

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Damn! you wrote this when I was 3 lol. Wonder if last line changing peaceful to peace loving might be closer to what you meant to convey (as if you can recall intent from the time of dinosaurs lol)....................stan

Ian.T

Tue, 2012-09-25 03:42

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I found this dinosaurs footprint as a fossil in a lump of basalt, I did change a small word or two but the poor little thing screamed and said leave me alone, I am too old to change the thoughts of a 15 year old just ask the Grandchildren lol, Thanks for your read and comment. Take care out there, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
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