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This Beating, Beautiful Now (For Mary Oliver)

you spoke
so eloquently,
hatching such wonder
for this world

that even while I wonder
about the next
(to which you have
finally flown)

I have enough
in your winged words
in this warbling world
to stay busy

for many dawns
& many moons
many birds
& many bird-flights

loving & learning
& giving language

to this beating
beautiful
now

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I like much of this poem, especially its intent. What I struggle with are periods of linguistic flatlining

for many dawns
& many moons
many birds
& many bird-flights
loving & learning
& giving language

You've taken a thought, a poetic meme, and colored it colorless with Many many many
Ill paraphrase a friend of mine whos a whopping good poet "If a poem doesnt cost you anything you cant expect much of it Two essential things are required to advance work

1 to read understand and assimilate those who have reached great heights of thought and craft
2 To use what you've learned till your poem crackles, shatters glass, or touches deeply not just in terms of sentiment but in terms of linguistic power

By Mary Oliver
I go down to the edge of the sea.
How everything shines in the morning light!
The cusp of the whelk,
the broken cupboard of the clam,
the opened, blue mussels,
moon snails, pale pink and barnacle scarred—

Look at the variation and complex texture of her writing ... Steal the feeling and depth of this work you admire so much

Hope this makes sense and make it yours

Best Z

Also the word 'beautiful' should be avoided strenuously. Make it beautiful, don't say it is.

Zebra's critique was excellent.

cheers,
Jess
Neopoet Directors

Thank you for your critiques!

author comment

To one of America's best recent poets

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