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The Ballad of the Squashed Tomatoes

Submitted by gregwa8 on Tue, 2019-02-12 22:11

I have survived the wolves
Of my mind
That pretend to be kind
But surround and attack
With alternate facts

The world is already bewildering enough
The way night falls
Like a pall
The way summer leads
To a deadly fall

Oh the voices sound
Like sirens
A beauty as horrible
As men or monsters
Can be incorrigible

I will face another day
Swat at its lies
Like mosquitoes
Weep blood
Like squashed tomatoes

Though fruit in the sun
As quickly as it ripens
Goes bad

I will call you
I will call myself
For the moment I have

Comrade
Friend

Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Contest: 
February Contest

Comments

Eumolpus

Thu, 2019-02-14 02:21

Eumolpus's picture

For me the poem starts at the second stanza, the first makes no sense and does not invite me into the poem.

I have survived the wolves
Of my mind
That pretend to be kind
But surround and attack
With alternate facts

Surviving the wolves of you mind? alternate facts? ( a political slogan). I don't want to go further, I'm not convinced of you surviving wolves pretending to be nice telling falsehoods

however, start with

The world is bewildering enough
The way night falls
Like a pall
The way summer leads
To a deadly fall

Is very nice, brings me right in. (dropped "already"- doesn't fit the meter, doesn't the form as the longest line. Visual form counts!

Though fruit in the sun
As quickly as it ripens
Goes bad

one of a few very good ideas in the poem.

my take

..

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

gregwa8

Tue, 2019-02-19 03:43

gregwa8's picture

thanks eumolpus. it's partially about surviving the mental struggles I deal with, which is the heart of the poem, my story of overcoming. finding real friends, in the midst of the confusion, as ephemeral as they (or life) can be. the kindness of wolves (or alternate facts) is just the fact that they can appeal to us in some way, though they are not reality or for our ultimate good. I don't mind that it's political, but I'm not siding with one party versus another. I'm aware that we live in a political world, and politics and religion are so much involved in the mind fuck that life can be. I was feeling iffy about the title, but after reflection, I really like it. because life (the mental life especially) I feel like does a real squashing of us at times and blood or life blood, in the best instances, is the result. A line from a song I wrote recently is about not regretting the thoughts that we've had, because they make us who we are. (I've been writing a lot more music, which is why I haven't been on here as much) I can see how it doesn't all make sense together from an outside perspective, since it's all significant in my mind. something I'd like to work on as a poet. though one of the beauties of art and poetry and song is that it can reach each listener in a unique way. I feel like it can be as powerful, when the logic seems to be lacking sometimes, and people can pull a line, here or there out of it. I'm glad you found a few very good ideas in the poem. I appreciate that you are both a very challenging and encouraging commenter on poems. I look forward to more of your critiques.

author comment

scribbler

Tue, 2019-02-19 16:06

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Usually a poem which jumps around as much as this one leaves me with a bad taste in my eyes. But the way you used the rhymes and near rhymes and even rhythm in a free verse makes me say bravo and admit I'm jealous lol......stan

Cloudthings

Fri, 2019-02-22 08:44

Cloudthings's picture

Hi Greg, can I dare to say though, that I wonder in this case if the rhyming detracts from the flow - it feels harsh, I hope it's ok, let me know if such critique is too unpleasant, I just wonder if you might consider something like:

I have survived the wolves
Of my mind
That pretend to be kind
But surround and attack
With alternate facts

The world - bewildering enough
The way night falls
Like a pall
when summer leads
To deathly fall

Oh the voices sound
Like sirens
A beauty as horrible
As men or monsters
Can be incorrigible
(Maybe
Oh the siren calls
in beauty as twisted
as men & monsters
if such existed...?)

I will face another day
Swat at its lies
Like mosquitoes
Weep blood
Like squashed tomatoes
(OR
I face another day
Swat at it's lies
Like Rorschach blood print
at mosquitoes demise
Like squashed tomatoes before my eyes)

Though fruit in the sun
As quickly as it ripens
Goes bad

I will call you
I will call myself
For the moment I have

Comrade
Friend

These last 5 lines are my favourite... they say so much to me without the rhyming, I wonder if you have done more non rhyming? I shall have to go see!

Please know I offer such critique humbly & hope it helps, & I have no problem if you want to ignore too.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

gregwa8

Sat, 2019-02-23 00:10

gregwa8's picture

thanks anni for the thoughtful response! your ideas make me think what a pleasure it would be to see five or ten poets take one poem and rewrite it with their own significant and creative changes. a lot of my poems actually do not rhyme. thanks for the read,
greg

author comment

Cloudthings

Thu, 2019-02-28 08:49

Cloudthings's picture

I'm still getting the feel for how the culture here has or hasn't changed Greg - I'm always hesitant to rewrite anyone's work... such a personal thing sometimes... I will no doubt get more acquainted with your style, & look forward to it.

Cheers
Anni

My dear friend always told me "Water the seeds of joy first"

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