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As Autumn Nears:: An Autumn Come Home...September CONTEST

An Autumn Come Home

You made me feel
as the young woman indeed
in the Garden of Eden
nude absolutely

No fear of Adam’s
spear
he was meant to sow tears

But youth has since evaded
we have been with burden loaded

The leaves and petals
have all withered away
come autumn now our way
smear all fragrance away
all colorful hues go too
whom, does autumn bare
as if she was another one
of his ware

We all love to see ourselves
in a mirror
like a tree
abandoned of all leaves
wrinkles left only...

Am I not depicting autumn?
Autumnally
as it is now coming

A lover of naturality
one time beauty
that I be

Wow autumn it’s me...

(Poem inspired by an old, really old man's poetry
He composed when his young wife, became like autumn.
But still he loves her, passed eighty.)

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage: 
Contest: 

Comments

I REALLY like the comparison of wrinkled skin and a bare tree's bark. It was worth the read for that alone ......stan

hope others will see
nothing

author comment

I really love this

I love all wows
and autumnal vows
so now all bows
let more arouse

author comment

in constructing this than usual and it shows. It is consistent thematically, I'm glad to see you have foregone the pretentious archaisms you are prone to and the final message is lovely, poignant, portraying acceptance and love of life and nature right up to our barren years.

A few lines bothered me and I suspect they are where you forewent meaning for the sake of rhyme. I don't understand them, perhaps I'm wrong and you can explain-

No fear of Adam’s spear
he was meant to so tear

as if she was another one
of his ware

You have written better poems by accident, this one shows you can think deeply and construct good poetry. Keep at it and I believe you could realise your poetic potential and rise to the ranks of Importance.

Proud of you, my friend, but if you refer to me as your master again I may be obliged to track you down and give you a smack upside the head. [grins].

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

hello jess thanks ... a tear washes my eyes .. rain in autumn !

No fear of Adam’s spear* ...(*Metaphor for male's penis)
he was meant to so tear**.....(**metaphor for copulation .. was it not man's deepest intention then and even now)

as if she*** was another one
of his ware****.........................***metaphor for any woman ...as an autumn **** tree's leaf... personal .....................................................possession)

May be my views appear camouflaged here!!!!!
Am I now better or need to steer clear.

author comment

A beautiful poem with allegories depicting women as autumn. I had a wonderful read Lovedly.

but just any woman of our times
moderna creation....

Glad you fared well to compare
thanks poet

author comment

I see that now, Lovedly.

Jess on this one! Some of those references are a bit obscure, but I see where they are coming from with your explanation to Jess. You have the potential to become a very, very good poet! Keep writing and thinking those deep thoughts. You are soooo much better than you were when I first started reading you. ~ Gee.
.

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I salute you
as you all have blessed me
with so many feed backs

After the result of this Autumn One
I will write a blog on how
NEOPOET'S POETS teach one

a novice poet like me
has been so polished thanks to all of you
I BOW...
Lovedly

author comment

I am indebted to
Geezer
Ian
jess
Serendipity
Stan
in
ALPHABETICAL ORDER
to have polished a charcoal
into a diamond,
a machine gunner
to a sniper
Neopoeter!!!
amen

No need to thank my well wishers
I only
B O W
Loved then
Lovedly now

author comment

I have to agree with Jess as well.
You could fix it easily with something
like this " so tear" to "sow tears" ... then
it would say what you mean for it to say.

Definitely one of your gems ... thanks for
all of your participation Lovedly.

Richard

how I wish you had read it early
never mind a guy was to be given a Nobel
He said go to hell
why do you want to limit me
he threw his belt and knelt
for not being given the NOBEL
so I take Q too
and
thanks to you

They gave me a
SPECIAL MENTION TOO
amended to better myself

author comment

.....''You have the potential
to become a very, very good poet!

Keep writing and thinking those deep thoughts.
You are soooo much better than you were
when I first started reading you. ~ Gee.

author comment

You petulantly gave me nothing on my last poem and you say I have given you so much.
So you get nothing, NOTHING, from me until you give helpful feedback to others, don't worry about mine.
Show me examples of helpful feedback from you to others or I will never even acknowledge your poetry again.

cheers,
Jess
A new incentive for critique, description at
https://www.neopoet.com/community/news/proposal-encouraging-critiquescom...
discussion at
https://www.neopoet.com/forum/23390

not wilfully
but you never Congratulated me
when I was given an HM

and
if you go see
I have stopped composing here
many poetry
and
have commented daily on many
you can gloss over if you please

o my master
excellent poet -cum- critique
poet ye

author comment
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