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The Aspiration
I spy a butterfly at play;
its wings, the spring; what one must ink;
it hides to tease, we seek and yay,
I spy a butterfly at play.
We find, and then it guides the way,
and writes with gold what one must think,
I spy a butterfly at play;
its wings, the spring; what one must ink.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage:
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Comments
mand
Tue, 2016-05-24 10:52
Hi Rula
Syllable count and rhyming pattern - perfect and such a pretty abstract word picture too!
Can't fault :)
Love Mand xxxx
Rula
Tue, 2016-05-24 14:20
Thanks Mand
for the kind visit and the supporting words.
Much appreciated.
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Keith Logan
Tue, 2016-05-24 13:31
Form
This is well written but I still see the strict form getting in the way of any feeling of freshness.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Rula
Tue, 2016-05-24 14:21
:)
can't change your opinion?
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Keith Logan
Wed, 2016-05-25 04:28
Rula
You are a great poet but no one can write great poetry with their hands tied. So that would be a no then.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
mand
Wed, 2016-05-25 04:59
Hi Keith
There's a challenge - rhyming poetry ( or strict meter e.c.t ) that manages convey emotions naturally. That would be my desired goal - not easy to accomplish. :)
All rhyming poets need to rise to the challenge! Lol
Love Mand xxx
Keith Logan
Sun, 2016-05-29 13:56
Check "Operation"
see if that comes close to what you desire.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
Esker
Tue, 2016-05-24 16:03
monarch of a poem!
as a child we had tons of milkweed along the old highway out front
tiger tails...moments when they would be there in multitudes
I still see them....and once spied a lunar moth ragged but alive
still taking a break at a gas station kiosk!
survivors...finding inspiration
thank U!
Rula
Wed, 2016-05-25 01:38
heĺlo Mr. Esker
I played here a little with my butterfly.
Monarch! l loved this!
I claimed it as my aspiration,
What I would like to line
with golden ink
I permitted it to guide my way
as it often hides
I seek it again as we together
play to finally achieve
what our souls aspire
Thank you Steve for dropping this butterfly such a kind visit.
❤❤❤❤❤❤
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