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Apricot Maso-kiss'd Yelpings

poetry is our riskiest breathplay:
wringing throatgrip wrought from unringed fingers
blood-choking-out and about our routines

cross-faced confusion/ red-cell infusion
our Bodies Electric with Whitman's words
oh! Little death expression impression

dated, mated, asphyxiated
pen sputters ink in gasping sentences
oratorical rhetoric silenced

angered almighty 'ass-fixed', (apt statement)
two curmudgeons bludgeoned; Eros dungeon
rejoiced in moist merger, innocent ooze

frigid engagement, hardened nuptials
suffocating search for conversation
dry-scribbled sonnets to celibacy

collared by her coloured coldheartedness
hard limit surpassed; seeking aftercare
neither of us remembering safeword

colors congeal under faint flourescents
beet-red ginger fades into apricot
pale princess disappears into the sheets

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
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Editing stage: 

Comments

Hello Duke,

I don't know how I missed your work before, but belated welcome to Neopoet!

I appreciate the sophisticated word play and extended metaphor. The sounds of this one are brilliant, a real challenge, in a good way. I also like the reference to Whitman. This is a poetic (yet raunchy?) yawp sounded here, for sure. Not sure if the metaphor is sex is poetic or poetry is sexual or both or neither.

If I could make a suggestion, I think the hyphens are a bit much. I myself love unique hyphenation, but I think a few of the instances in this poem could be adjusted to make the ones that are kept have a stronger effect.

If you decide to change any, I would suggest:

throat grip
unringed
red cell infusion
oh! orgasmic expression

Hope you don't mind the suggestions. Those that I didn't suggest altering were extra special to me, so I wanted them to stand out a bit more. You don't have to make any of these changes; they are just ideas if you decide to revise.

Looking forward to more of your writing,
Kelsey

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www.lettereddandy.xyz

Thank you so much for the kind words! YES, indeed, the 'oh! orgasmic expression' is a definite edit. Love it. And it does seem over-hyphenated; many hard breaks, (some intentional, as this is tri-layered). Many harsh emotions as I am in a complicated relationship with language and a tri-polar redhead simultaneously. Again, thank you for the constructive criticism! Sincerely,

author comment

I had ever seen your work before, until I went to read some more of it. Once I had, I was reminded of previous poems I had seen of yours. Nice to see that you are still here and writing. ~ Geezer.
.

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Critique or comment today!

Clearly you are/have been a poet for a while, and have learned the scales of the craft. Nice to meet you! So I'll get right to it.

I agree, "orgasmic" is too easy

I get lost a bit after the 5th stanza. I know I am in the universe of the poetic process, then you introduce a "her" which is a distraction. I assume it's the muse, but need to know more about her in your mind, as she remains too abstract for me. In the last stanza leaves me not accepting

colors congeal under faint flourescents
beet-red ginger fades into apricot
pale princess disappears into the sheets

I have the most problem with getting the ginger-apricot. this stanza which tries to pull it together with the idea of sleep...There's so much good fun wordplay and energy in the poem, the end takes some of that away from me.

I do not prefer the title, which reminds me of Stevens who used some very obtuse titles to the detriment of the poem (obviously my personal observation- probably I'd get thrown out of the academy for saying that)

But obviously the stance and wordplay is masterful. I've not seen you before. Welcome.

Eumolpus
I'd rather learn from one bird how to sing
than teach ten thousand stars how not to dance
ee cummings

Thank you.

Yes, I also struggled with 'orgasmic' and agree that it was too easy now that I see the completed work. It was just too simple to insert after oh! and maintained the 10-syllable line count. I have replaced 'Little death', an old french term from 'la petite mort' meaning "the brief loss or weakening of consciousness" and commonly likened o orgasms. I chose to capitalize 'Little' as that directly relates to a particular personal muse, (as in her maiden name).

With 'she' or 'her' in mind, this works for me on three levels; which may explain why the last stanza makes 'Little' sense to others or may lose some of the flow to a general reader.

Your comments are very much appreciated and academic.

author comment

OMG your sick ...No wonder I like you :)

poetry is our riskiest breathplay:
wringing throatgrip wrought from unringed fingers
blood-choking-out and about our routines

Haahaahaa: Not where I come from but I like the line indeed and I share your interest in the subject and also love to write about it
Are you my twin ? :)))))))))))))
Yes it appears that we all like the word play and the writing is good
So as a general question I posture the question.... is there anything missing ?...At least for me?

I want this poem to be more than reverential You hit the iconic and predictable cultural elements of sadomasochism flirtatiously but I never feel the simmering underlying eroticism that drives those paraphilias ie the getting lost in this dark voluptuous entrancement

Having said that I feel an honest kinship with you and Im delighted you are here!!!!!
Pls Stay
Best Z

She was such a pale and petite little ginger; would have disappeared into the white silk sheets had it not been for a few strategically placed freckles. And ever-so-sweet and shy with the bluest eyes that began to tear up so moist and....

Oh, what were you asking? I forgot the question.

author comment
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