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Another Short Poem About You

I was hanging on tightly
to what you were just passing through
This fool for love didn’t need the truth

I found comfort in fleeting things
because they were more predictable
than your peregrine heart

She still doesn't know what love means
for those who have to push it down,
hoping the light from the surface
won’t break over them

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Last few words: 
Unrequited love must be the engine for an uncountable number of poems. Thought I would add yet another.
Editing stage: 
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

.

Thanks for taking the time L! Your comments seem to imply that you are at odds with much of the message of this poem, and my comments, If I understand you correctly. Appreciate the visit though, and sorry this one seems to have missed the mark for you. Maybe the next one...

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

So many poems about lives of despair from your subject. I like most the line about the peregrine heart.
Some lines are beyond me though, perhaps very personal?
the second in command line
the last stanza was beyond me as well hmm

The idea of this imbalance is very relative in my opinion.
Later,

THE MARK
Please comment anywhere anytime.

Thanks Mark - great input too (FROM EVERYONE - THANK YOU!). This poem was about an unrequited love, and a very one-sided one at that. I guess the military reference (second-in-command) was a misfire in terms of staying on message. I was trying to convey that my feelings were subordinate to her inability to return them as hoped because I was so stupid in love. I think I will look at an edit for message clarity.

The second stanza does seem to be the best part of this, given the comments, so I think this works.

Interesting that you felt the third stanza was unclear. I was trying to capture how it felt to love someone who doesn't feel the same in a relationship, thus making it necessary to suppress the extent of your feelings so as not to end a relationship you desperately want to continue, despite the seeming inability of the other person to return the love. Obviously, my choice of words failed to convey this for you (maybe others?).

Back to the drawing board, LOL! Be well.

Cheers

Michael Anthony

author comment

Hi T,

Thanks as always for sharing your thoughts! Curious to know if the context I've provided in my response to Mark's comments helped shape a different view of this piece. Regardless, I still need to revisit the write to see if I can tighten up the message for clarity.

I hear you about the second stanza, thank you, and I agree - love when this happens with my work, and other's as well!

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

"Glutton for punishment" - love that, and yeah, it has been that way at times, LOL!

Really good comments on this one, so I have made a few edits that I think help tie the 3 stanzas together more clearly (hopefully). Dropped the clunky second-in-command term, and a very minor tweak to the first line in the 3rd stanza.

Cheers

Michael Anthony

author comment

Hey T, did you just equate my work with excrement??? Sooo offended!!!

Just messin' with you! :) :)

I think I'm gonna step away from this piece for now. I like it better with the edits I've already done, thanks to some great input from those who've responded. That's why we keep coming back - to get better!

Cheers

Michael Anthony

author comment

the line: "Your second-in-command, didn't need the truth." You are the second-in-command! You realized that even though you held that position, she wasn't about to tell you that she didn't believe in the mission. As far as I am concerned, you made the point very clearly. ~ Geez.
.

My chatroom is taking a break
if you have ideas about times that
are more convenient and subjects
to talk about, contact me and we can discuss it
Thank you for your participation.
.

As you shall soon see..
Thank you, it just has so much relativity Mike,

THE MARK
Please comment anywhere anytime.

Thanks again for the time Mark!

Michael Anthony

author comment
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