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Always There
I may not have style,
And I may not have class,
I may not have money,
I hope with time that will pass,
I tell you this just so that you’ll know,
Just what you’re getting yourself into,
I am naught but a man,
But anything is what I’d do for you,
Now I can’t promise you a life of privilege,
Nor one devoid of pain,
Our lives will be full of hardship and toil,
And an ungodly amount of strain,
But your pain will not be caused by me,
This I do solemnly swear,
Because throughout the hardship and the strain,
I will always be there,
There for the good times,
And also for the bad,
You’ll always have me to turn to,
So please do not be sad,
Because our hardship and pain will be fleeting,
When compared to our joy and love,
The good times will out number the bad,
And we will rise above,
Above all of the pain and suffering,
That this world will throw our way,
All we’ll need is each other,
From now till our dying day.
Zachary J. Eakin 6 - 22 - 2010
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Wed, 2012-02-15 19:26
Very nice
I liked it! To me this poem almost sounds like a wedding vow. I like how this poem relates to a lot of people; we don't have cash, only love to give. Great job, keep up the good work.
China Blue
Wed, 2012-02-15 19:47
Zachary
may I suggest not using as many I may nots?
what if you were to say something on the order of
I may not have style
Nor class or money
becauset hrough out the hardships and strain
ok you've already indicated this in previous lines
so how would you rephrase this sentence and hold the meaning
what about
because throughout all of this
I will always be there
and you lines still hold the rhyme
hardship and toil if you just insert a comma and drop that and it will still stand
I mention this because your next sentence starts with and
ok I am seeing the words hardship, toil, strain and pain quite a bit let's see if I might suggest something else
but your pain will not be caused by me
suggestion: But I will not be the cause of your anguish
because of hardship and pain will be fleeting(lol there it is again)
suggestion:our trials and tribulations will be fleeting
the good times will outnumber the bad
suggestion: the good will outnumber the bad
above all of the pain and suffering
suggestion:Yet above it all
this world will throw our way
I believe that would be dieing
please do not feel I have re written your poem these are mere suggestions you do not have to use them if you do not like them
welcome to Neo poet
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
China Blue
Thu, 2012-02-16 08:21
Mark
you have read the corrected version and not the original
He did remove a lot of the redundancy in the original and still
the word I appears nine times
just as an example
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)
China Blue
Thu, 2012-02-16 08:24
Zach
Much better, thank you kindly for taking some of my suggestions and using them.I appreciate you're effort
Chrys
Chrys
Let your mercy spill on all these burning hearts in hell(Leonard Cohen)