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Albatross
I hear so many people say today
how savage has become the human plight,
then cross themselves in piety and say
that Jesus will return and make things right.
He'll fight a war, all evil He will slay.
'Twill signal final end to all our quandaries.
And all we ever need to do is pray
for Him to rid us of our enemies.
So, when the one predicted comes around,
shall we find, then, sudden harmony?
Is this, in fact, the reason we’re Earth-bound -
denying our responsibility?
I think it matters not where I may dwell,
I fashion my own heaven, my own hell.
.
Style / type:
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing stage:
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Region & Country
Western Australia
Favorite Poets
Favourite poets? So many, so varied. I like particular songs, not necessarily the singer... and the same goes for poetry. I can honestly say though, that Alfred Noyes' The Highwayman was what inspired my love of poetry - my mother began reading it to me when I was still a baby, and it became my favourite bedtime story
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Comments
jane210660
Tue, 2016-05-17 06:06
Wow, how very true. Very
Wow, how very true. Very artfully put together.
I've never been so bold as to suggest any change to anyone's poem (I always think they publish it as they prefer it) and I'm a bit timid about suggesting a change here, but..........
The last couplet, I would change to three lines
I think it matters not where I may dwell,
I fashion my own Heaven
And make my own Hell.
I just think it flows a bit better, but I'm not a technical poet, so feel free to totally ignore me :-)
Jxx - extra kiss, didn't want you to think I was being harsh!
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Remember we are a workshop site.
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judyanne
Tue, 2016-05-17 06:11
thanks so much Jane
I always appreciate suggestions, please do continue to give them - this is what this site is all about
Unfortunately I can't use this one as the format is sonnet.... a very strict form.... and your suggestion doesn't fit the requirement for layout and meter
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentjane210660
Tue, 2016-05-17 19:46
No it wouldn't and more fool
No it wouldn't and more fool me for not seeing its sonnet form straight away, particularly as I am familiar with its structure.
Exits stage left feeling slightly daft
:-) Jxx
------------
Remember we are a workshop site.
Don't forget to offer critique on poems you read.
judyanne
Tue, 2016-05-17 06:31
rotflmao
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentEsker
Tue, 2016-05-17 19:33
beautiful poem!
loved the last barb of this line
grew up with the color bible
and sunday school
and then late nite news
of troubles of the world
the struggle in school
and the kids cruel
so all I did was now
try to be cool
maybe I wasnt ambitious
enough
love the cleverness
Judy!
life is what we make!
thank U!
judyanne
Wed, 2016-05-18 07:27
thank you Steven
for the visit and very kind comment
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentKeith Logan
Wed, 2016-05-18 04:42
Well written
but I'm not sure I follow the logic of the latter part of the third verse.
PS: although I do have a strong faith, I hope I never allow it to cloud my judgement when critiquing.
PPS: That closing couplet is classic.
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
judyanne
Wed, 2016-05-18 07:36
hi Keith
Thank you
I hope that this write doesn't imply the absence of a god ... that was not intended.
I'm not sure what you mean by not being able to follow the logic of those two verses - whether you don't agree, or whether you're not sure what I'm saying...?
it is difficult (as you know lol) to fit a large thought into two verses.... I am trying to say that one of the reasons we are caught up in this school of hard knocks is because we haven't taken responsibility for our own growth - all to busy trying to better our material existence, while expecting the advent of a messiah to fix the spiritual side of things...
Any suggestions?
Love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
author commentKeith Logan
Wed, 2016-05-18 14:38
Just a thought
It was not two verses, just two lines. I hope that this does not distort your meaning too much.
So, when the one predicted comes around,
shall we then find a sudden harmony?
Is this in fact the reason we’re Earth-bound?
- denying our responsibility
Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines
judyanne
Wed, 2016-05-18 23:59
hi Keith
Yes, I knew what you meant
the confusion arises with terminology
A 'line' is actually called a verse, and what people usually call a verse is actually a 'stanza'
- I've got into the habit of using those terms....
I like your version, thanks, I shall ponder on it
love judy
xxx
'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)
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