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Against the Night

Against the night
you huddled up against my chest
and begged me
not to let you go.
And silently I begged you
not to let me go.

But sometimes we've learned
how cold winter can be.
And so you retreated
back to your cocoon.
And so I retreated
to my old torture chamber.

Now don't get me wrong;
despite the best efforts
of man and beast
I still smell you.

I still smell you and I.

I smell us on the wind,
and in the music in my car,
and while right now our speech must be
rigid and formal
I can still taste and smell
what we really are.

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing stage: 

Comments

I liked the way you used repetitions of the same line with a tad alteration to create a conversational tone....I fear though that any poem on the theme of Love may not get the applause...but honestly it worked for me...

Regards,

raj (sublime_ocean)

is good, and all the requirements for good poetry were met here. Unfortunately, Raj is right, Love poems often do not get the applause they deserve. This rates as very good! ~ Gee

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