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"The Advisor" the complete poem start to finish (small second Edit)

Advisor (poem pre book write, - second main Edit)

I had taken out a lot of the capital letters that started each line, now this one is where I have started to edit to the comments received

I sat at my lonely station,
the library a quiet meditation.
Oh how I yearned to shout,
telling the world what life was about
.
Day on day just passed away
my mind drifted it wouldn’t stay
to this silence I wasn't a slave
out it would go wave on wave

One day life changed my sway
My thoughts had a new game to play.
I would throw a pebble into a pond
follow the ripples out and beyond.

Skimming across the heavens new
seeing visions out there in the blue
yet able to feel things of other souls
as on each day I could soar and go

This carried me a long way out
I freely went, throwing quiet all about
stirring things with a gentle breeze
touching clouds, and then turning leaves

This was so wonderful to me
ending up where I could hug a tree
my lonely station became a new world
People and places became unfurled

“Hello there” I heard within my space
I raced back to my lonely place
Retrieved the pebble from the pond
Shocked at another where I belonged

Day after day I sat in shock confined
my world out there with another mind.
What was this I had found this time
words failed, could thoughts combine?

I tested my world with the greatest care
in one way hoping they were there
out into that new world of mine
“Hello” came back quickly this time.

I was so shocked that I burbled “Hey”.
How come you are thinking in my way?
Where are you that you can talk to me?
“Waiting for you to set yourself free”

Doubt and fear were swept away
It was so joyous that I cried that day
A freedom I had, could I just share
a new thinking mind joining me there

Are you alone out there I wanted to say
I just thought it gently, letting it stray?
“No we are a growing world out here”
The reply echoed in my mind so clear.

“There are many of us out here
we just go out to help others, no fear,
welcome to our group, enjoy your liberty”
I just sat and cried but soon learnt to be.

A man with a book asked if I was OK
I said yes I had good news that day
“Why cry?” He said “When the news is good?”
Had I said, he would not have understood

Later I tested the new friends found
It was beautiful to have them all around
From the purity of lowly village fools
To scientists and ones that made tools

Each had a basic aim in their own way
to help others join thoughts each day
where a group could act as a single being
or individuals help with true feeling.

I had to leave the work journeys alone
daring to wander when only at home
I asked the group if they did the same
“Yes’s”of course to my mind came.

There are many journeys’ I will tell you of.
Some fearful, but most tainted with love
the act of being, was a big thing for me
it started lovely day in the library.
.
.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
This is a poem of an item I will be completing as a short story very soon.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I am not sure if it is time to submit our poems yet, but thought I'd say I really enjoyed the reading, the ideas and the theme are really good. I shall just wait to see what's that Wesley wants us to focus on when we comment.
I'll sure be back to this.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I may have read the instructions wrong and submitted this piece too soon, I shall read and come back to you on that.
Thanks for dropping in , Yours Ian

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

... and what have you done with Ian?
As we will be re-reading these poems many times I will restrict my comments to proofreading and vocabulary.
As to proofreading, I have no comments. You have been sometimes very lax in this respect with typos and spelling problems abounding. This is the second poem of yours lately that I find EVERY WORD precisely where it belongs. It is a beautiful thing.
I am only starting to talk about vocabulary, but one of the subjects I will broach is repetition. There are a couple of places you could have used a different term rather than repeating yourself. Repetition is, of course, a tool as well and can be used to effect, but (for example) the second use of "unfurled" is unnecessary. I suggest a trip to the thesaurus.
I will discuss the context later.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Many thanks for finding me here, I should have taken more time with this one.
I have edited a little but will wait for the others poems and shall read up on the instructions for the workshop, this is the main problem I forget to read what you need.
I shall hide in a corner with the instructions and come back on the right sequence.
Take care Yours Ian.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

There is a new poet on the scene, Ian's poetry has escaped some previous bounds and his poetry has been amazing.
Sorry to talk about you in the third person, Ian, but I have been amazed. You have revealed yourself as a poet.
A bit scary, isn't it?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

My helpers must have excelled themselves of late, as the words they gave me were much better and caught your eye.
I am still me here, and your teaching does have a vast effect on all that you teach or comment on.
It is hard to find such teachers.
This poem is from the idea for a short story to start and an expanded story for me to write later.
Jess I sometimes worry that I am restricted by time, I know it sounds stupid but there are other younger poets, that we need to hold till they can run with the words and themes.
I will polish this one for the workshop, with Wesley's help, and let the others see how good you all are at teaching.
Go well my friend know that you are very well thought of in many places, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

The only thing I'd add for now is the ending rhymes. I've noticed that in most of the places you've used authentic or semi authentic rhymes, but in some few lines the rhymes are completely different where I just think you can do better than this, like in "station" you can change to "cave" to go with "grave" .
Just a thought I liked to share. Please ignore when you feel you're going to force it.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

I have an edited version ready to put out but am waiting to see the way the workshop is going first, and to comment on others works as they produce them, will sort faults later thank you anyway,
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

http://www.neopoet.com/comment/98244#comment-98244

Edit at will, we will see the changes.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Posting the original is unnecessary and distracting. Don't be so bloody precious and controlling.
I posted
The "Edit" and "Revisions" tabs
http://www.neopoet.com/comment/98244#comment-98244
in the workshop thread and again as a blog
http://www.neopoet.com/weirdelf/blog/sat-2014-01-18-1700
and abloodygain as a forum.
http://www.neopoet.com/forum/13572

Read it!

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Wow !!! bloody hell you have left me speechless this is fantastic poetry I have had two reads through and I cant see anything sticking out [its getting late here its nearly 3am] I will say I think the meter could be smoothed out a little for flow purposes but other than that I cant find anything critical wrong with it

I am totally astonished this is a rough draft and its not the first time I've said that tonight reviewing the poems for the workshop the quality of the poetry submitted [of the ones I've read so far] are outstanding

I just posted my poem for the workshop and I deliberately left the vocab quite bland so as to build on the poem and show from beginning to end lol maybe I should go back to the drawing board HA !

a pleasure to review but as I said elsewhere I will be back to review edits and offer further advice and suggestions as needed or wanted

love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I've read through your poem several times. I notice that many of the full stops and commas are missing. ( but I don't know if that is part of the proof reading so I won't mention them - besides I don't know if it even matters ).

I agree with Rula's and Jayne's comments and observations. There is only one change I would make in Stanza three line one:

"Then one day it all life changed" I wondered if it would be better to say
"Then one day my whole life changed". but I think that's down to personal preference

Other than that I loved the nature and subject of the poem. Very well done

Love Mand xxxxx

You have a great sense of story telling. I was almost listening to you saying it aloud. Many before me have commented already, I would just add that the story was flowing so smoothly till stanza #12 and suddenly it felt as if there was a threshold when the lines became bigger which to me affected the meter...Surely you will be editing this one and in due course of time it would become an even richer story...it has many messages cleverly knit into it...a pleasure read...

regards..

raj (sublime_ocean)

I did a little edit but just to get rid of all the capital letters at the start of each line.
Thank you I will look at what you have said and see if I can sort out the flow there, this is still the rough copy so I will wait to see what we haveto do next, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I enjoyed this write. I miss the quiet days spent writing for hours on end. I felt like I lost the flow of it in spots but the story made sense. I am not good at proofreading as I rely on spell check and such to catch my mistakes. The overall picture this painted was one of peace and passion, passion for writing.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

This poem outlines the start of a story, and as stories can go on, so can this piece.
I have made it much shorter really without an end so that I had a reasonable piece for the workshop.
The story is of discovering a telepathic community by accident, there is a lot more to this one, but that's another part of the story lol
Thanks for your visit, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I began a while back to realize that a story can often be told better in a long poem than a short one. This is an excellent example of such. Now let the nit picking begin! lol :
S-3,l-1"then one day it all life changed"? really awkward and unclear
S-3.l-4 try : follow the [ripples].....
S-4, l-4 change fly to soar just seems to work better to me
S-7,l-1 and 2 the repeat of "places" is too close
S-8,l-1 try huddled instead of sat
S-8, l-4 add the word "where" to start of line
S-11,l-3 A freedom I had [at last to] share
last stanza line 1 delete the apostrophe after journeys
as usual feel free to not use any of these if yuo think they are of no use..........stan

Stan, I really like that you refer specifically to stanza and verse but your crits sometimes seem unclear to me, whether you are making specific, necessary corrections, alternative suggestions or subjective impressions. I think it is mostly in the punctuation. Read it back to yourself as if you were reading your own poem and see if you can see what the poet is getting.
Check out Wesley's crit at
http://www.neopoet.com/comment/98329#comment-98329
see how much more visually clear and accessible it is?

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

The crit above contains a bit of all I guess lol. But I'll check out the clarity in the morning and edit as needed.........stan PS Ian, if you read my crit before I get a chance to edit it and have questions feel free to holler

I have copied your comment and will check my piece out later today, Thanks for you good comments here, they are much appreciated.
I am trying to find a couple more hours in the day, must be an ageist thing where the hours want to fly.
Catch you later, Yours ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I know what you mean! I've been reduced to commenting in the evening - back to work etc. I'm just managing. I'm making this comment now - but I'm supposed to be at work. Naughty.

Keep it up Ian - you're doing very well.

Love Mand xxxx

There have been a number of comments (most positive) and the only underlying criticism is meter... your bane.
Since this is one of your best poems, I hope you will revisit the meter throughout. It needn't be precise to the point of mechanical (like me), but some greater consistency will help this work.
Mand, everything you can offer is positive. Give it with confidence. Different perspectives are what we desire. Anything you have is appropriate... and at any time.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Exposition through resolution are sound. Impressive. Now how do you feel about quotation marks? It would lend much to clarifying the conversation going on. The logic is clear, but I'm not always sure who is speaking.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

The poem has gained a good bit of clarity in this 1st edit. As to quotation marks...some people love them and some hate them. I use them whenever I think they are needed but it's up to you to decide your own use of them. As to rhythm I would suggest you read this aloud and try to do so without adding stress where it wouldn't occur in normal conversation. Yeah, easier said than done lol. But doing so will likely reveal rhythm slips which you can remedy as you see fit...........stan

I suggested them because there numerous times when a conversation goes back and forth. It is, in my ear, difficult to separate them quickly. I always figure out who is talking, but I would prefer this knowledge be immediate. What are your thoughts, Ian?

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I just use to write, my old English teacher though a brilliant man taught me as much as he could, I left school at 15 and 3 months old.
It is hard for me to sort punctuation out, as I rarely used it.
I worked in Avionics & Electronics from then until 60, I think I have learned more on Neopoet site even about English than anywhere.
Spell checker and comp correction are Gods to me lol.
I know that my English and ways of saying things leave a lot to be desired but I can only learn so much.
I shall find some of my writing from when I was 15 and copy it as it was then I have a notebook I wrote in from back then so it will make you smile.
Thanks for all your help, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Your poetry is excellent when you clean it. The proofreading you did alone made my month.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

Here are a selection of words for the last part of the workshop.
I have had to select just a few as there are many more,
where the poem sways from harsh to a gentleness, hope this is OK for your eyes.

This poem has many more of these words
as the poem sways from one state to the next.
So as time is short I have listed a few of each

Cacophonous words

shout
a slave
throw
raced back
Shocked
Retrieved
shock confined

Euphonious words

quiet meditation
drifted
this silence
my sway
ripples
Skimming
unfurled

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

It would seem you have grasped the concept.

W. H. Snow

A poet is a nightingale, who sits in darkness and sings to cheer its own solitude with sweet sounds. Percy Bysshe Shelley

Learn how, teach others.
The NeoPoet Mentor Program
http://www.neopoet.com/mentor/about

I love the idea and the way it is written. this piece is good for my referral.Good job.

Alid

You have the beginning of a great story here. I am looking forward to reading more to see how everything unfolds :)

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I have started on the book part but the amount of time I am spending on it is small..
I promise to be better, there are a few of my poems that are part of the story but you will have to wait lol
Take care young one talk to you later,
Yours as always Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

my breath is taken leaving me
winded, mouth dry
I read this with a feeling of
"how can he know"
"he doesn't know anything .. he is telling a story"
"no! he knows .."
"can he hear us?"
"thats stupid to even think"

my hearts beating fast
you unknowingly captured a conversation
that goes on diligently with my community within

not psychic or telepathic others
just my own others

Alone we shall find our ways into worlds of never imagined discoveries

Over the past few years I have been involved with the spiritualism side of the world and the next.
I have (Through My wife who is a very good Medium) been able to hold around 200 hours of talks with the spirit world.
I have the talks all on audio tapes 125 of them each with 90 minutes of recording.
Ther wife just before she went to sleep properly seemed to open a channel to Sadie a spirit girl wherever she is, we have spent many hours talking about what they do and how they do things.
They use"think talk" and colours and obviously other things to talk, yet when coming through a medium they use their voice box, it is a little complex as they have been trying to make a voice that doesn't involve the voice box of a medium.
Over the last few years they taught me many things, then last year one of their teachers came through and told me that I was able to write about their world without the help of the children, it was a great loss to me as the children now only visit me once or twice a month during the normal time of our talks, but I know that they are close and if I need they come flooding in.
The poem above has been in the mix for many years as a story, now that the children taught me I can carry on and finish the story (When Time permits lol), but this piece is the nearest to their reality I can put out as a poem.
I have so much writing to do and as I am near 72 years old it takes a lot of time, you have a lifetime of words to flow from your pen, just let the best ones on Neopoet teach you, keep everything you write as a history and for later, I will talk about other aspects of the children's knowledge, it crosses all religious fields without touching beliefs, it is within.
Take care and know there are many things to learn,
Yours Ian.T
PS:- never fear about people spying on your think, it is yours and cannot be stolen or touched, but it is beautiful to use, just another totally international language..

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

My "Craezies" are a paranoid bunch
but I don't let that bother me
I have no true beliefs of you purposefully
trying to hear the ramblings of me
I only wanted you to know how close the
conversation in your poem is to the nonstop
broadcast inside each one of mees

I would love to hear more of your knowledge

Alone we shall find our ways into worlds of never imagined discoveries

Have already replied to you in PM so it will give you a wide range for the Crazzzies to wander and realise that they are not crazzzies but another part of being,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

mayhapsitbeesso friend
whether different people created subconsciously
to help me thru my life
or another part of being
I am glad I have them with me
some who are diagnosed with MPD or DPD
feel cursed, or so it seems, I have learned to live
with what I was given and don't dare think
if I should happen to lose the rest of mees
nightmares

Alone we shall find our ways into worlds of never imagined discoveries

There has to be a decision about those that are your friends, I have some of those but I know where they are from, they help never hinder.
Carrie is the boss of all she is, the others must just be, and only come in when needed just give them a task to do, I shall ask Julie to come and help with things and to organise, she is a young girl, who always wears black patent shoes, and needs to be helpful and just loved, the love she returns would melt all the ice there is but as it is Spirit love that wont happen.
Thank you for dropping in, you will never be alone, all those about you here or there love you too much, Yours Ian.T xx

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

I have come back for another read and to see what work you've done on your poem, Again I checked the revisions tab and checked your original copy with your present edit.

I think you have done a fabulous job on your editing I tried to find something to suggest in the way of more improvements but I cant find anything.

I will reread again in a couple of days and see if I cant make at least one suggestion

beautiful job

love always JC xxx

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

I thought that you were going away for a few days,
hope not but if you do take care,
and know that Sister Teresa will go with you
and of course the children will be there playing as usual,
Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

Not necessarily going away but withdrawing for a short time, needed something to busy my mind tonight so I posted a poem and have been trolling around here and there smile

love always JC

Sister Teresa is around at night when I need her most hugs x

("Always and Forever") - (Never lose a holy curiosity.-Albert Einstein)

Thank you for your reading again,
I found a glitch in the first Stanza so I have edited it.
I shall have to send one of my writers to help you, its alright to sleep now but we need to write something solid that will last a while.
My last two I think I shall have to ask someone to read them for me.
Jess reads very well and his deep sounds add a softness to the flow.
Thank you young lady, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

You confused me in the reading by posting the original. I'm annoyed but am re-recording it for you. Greater love hath no man.

http://vocaroo.com/i/s1HSpguNqFCP

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Thank you so much for your read and recording, and as you say this is a way of finding the odd problem with the write when it is read.
It is late here as usual but I stayed to listen to your read and can't thank you enough.
You take care I shall treasure your read always.
You take care out there and know we love you very much.
Ian.T & the children who talk to librarians.

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

by deleting the original from the post.
That is what the Revisions tab is for.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

I heard you yesterday evening and deleted the original that became redundant.
I shall treasure your reading of this one and any others you do it brings another dimension to our poetry, as I listen to you speaking I can see you there, and what a contrast, a wild eyed fellow with a voice of silk.
Love you, you ole devil, and thanks again,
Yours as always Ian & Friends

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment

oh! I swoon!
I have never had a nicer compliment!
Thank you.

cheers,
Jess
A new workshop on the most important element of poetry-
'Rhythm and Meter in Poetry'
https://www.neopoet.com/workshop/rhythm-and-meter-poetry

Ian you are such a talented writer beautiful piece, the absent use of capitals were well justified, i guess you were feeling low

As I have said here, this is the outline of a much longer story or epic that I want to write if time permits.
Thank you for your visit and comment they are always welcome.
My writing is usually of the Spiritual nature but in doing so it encompasses a realm of feelings and situations that would take me a thousand years to complete.
You take care, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

author comment
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