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5-7-5 Haiku (an attempt)

The sun quietly
tiptoed on the sky's dark page
then a new dawn smiled.

Style / type: 
Structured: Eastern
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Editing stage: 

Comments

as far as making the reader feel an emotion - you have succeeded here

if you want to know if it is 'true' haiku - it is not
haiku either explicitly or implicitly refers to a season
haiku does not use personification

but who cares - this is emotionally uplifting, and haiku is also that

and i do read your last line as a satori of sorts

love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

thanks for the useful information.I am really happy you've found a nice capture and felt the emotion there.

Ps.. the later workshop has opened my eyes to new things..Thank you.:)

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

A lovely start to the Japanese art of using few words to say much, as Judy says it is not a true Haiku but it is a true Senyru..
The only thing on this one, to perfect it, is to take out (the) in the second line:-
Tiptoed on sky's dark page.

Then the count is a true 5-7-5 but as many will say writing in English and trying to conform with Japanese writing is sometimes impossible.
So we give poetic licence to writers lol..
Barbara is running an eternal Renga at the moment just join and it will give you loads of practice in Japanese forms.
Take care out there young lady, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

your 'tiptoed on sky's dark page' has only 6 syllables
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I think that ---Sky's-- is termed as two syllables, the apostrophe gives it another part, but I will await the talk on this point..
I will leave that to the experts, but it is open for debate.
Thanks, hope we can clear that up as it's important to writing Haiku's..
Yours Ian.T
xx

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

i might say ok let's wait.
but it is the ownership apostrophe, and i'm really sure it is one syllable

but still, let's wait for consensus
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I hope you are right in this case then I will put (The) back in again.
Yours with unconditional love as always, Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I think Haiku can be about more than one thing. It can be about nature or the seasons. Or it can be any form of human experience. Whether that be a city poem, a love poem or whatever canvas you desire. This form of poem was designed in another language, by another culture but the values are the same no matter the canvas, human expression. You've certainly achieved a beautiful poem here.

J

As a rule haiku is about nature and implicitly or explicitly refers to a season.

Any form of human experience is termed a senryu, but a ‘true’ senryu is often bawdy – the equivalent to our ‘pub joke’

just fyi :)
love judy
xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I meant to say fine attempt if its your first fine work

J

I'll let the experts argue the form. As to sky's, it's pronounced as one syllable in both instances so should count as one. I liked the compact imagery you captured...........stan

and for paying this an extra attention.

Ian I really appreciate your interest to have things the right way.
John , I am happy you like it.
and
dear judy thanks for the useful additions here and there. Always happy to hear from you .

By and by, I have one more thing , I most often see the haikus without titles, is there a reason for that?

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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author comment

haiku do not have titles

if labelled, it is usually 'haiku (first line)'
so yours would be - 'haiku (the sun quietly)'
- or more correctly - senryu (the sun quietly)

as another btw - haiku also does not use capital letters, except for proper nouns

xxx

'Each for the joy of the working, and each, in his separate star,
shall draw the Thing as he sees It, for the God of Things as They are.'
(Rudyard Kipling)

I'll have to research that ThanX Judy

I am new here and I thought this Haiku was excellent. Nice imagry painting.

the nice comment. Highly appreciate it .
welcome to the Neopoet W.

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

Follow me
www.instgram.com/rularules1

author comment
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