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21 May 2013 (rewrite for Beau's relativity workshop poem)

I’m not at all sure if the blue of the smoke
is a trick of my eye or what causes you choke.
Is the plume ringing upward as sad as I am?

This faggot knows nothing, not even it burns,
but you’re full aware it’s your life that it spurns.
It’s your flaming ember you’ve chosen to damn.

One day this fool habit will take all of you
and leave me here thinking that I made it blue.
All meaningless fault I shall lay at my feet.

At least when I write of a blue welkin smog
I’ll write of your pyre and how you had flog
the life from your lungs chasing peace oh, so sweet.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words: 
I found several perspectives in the poem and wasn't sure which was intended, so I picked one and ran with it.
Editing stage: 

Comments

I believe you were very true to the original. What you have added enhances the imagery and provides a much better flow. Nicely done.

Scott

Scott

21st May 2013

I'm not certain if the blue
of the smoke is a trick
of my eyes or if the
plume is as sad
as I am

This cigarette is not sentient
it does not know it burns
but you know you do
and yet

One day this self-destructive behaviour
will kill you all and leave me
here thinking myself
at fault

at least then when I write
about smoke it will
that of your pyre
your peace

Rewrite by Wesley

21st May 2013

I’m not at all sure if the blue of the smoke
is a trick of my eye or what causes you choke.
Is the plume ringing upward as sad as I am?

This faggot knows nothing, not even it burns,
but you're fully aware it’s your life that it spurns.
It’s your flaming ember you've chosen to damn.

One day this fool habit will take all of you
and leave me here thinking that I made it blue.
All meaningless faults I shall lay at my feet.

At least when I write of a blue welkin smog
I'll write of your pyre and how you had flogged
the life from your lungs chasing peace oh, so sweet.

Stanza 1.
I think Beau had the better display here it was neater and more powerful in its short write..
Stanza 2.
The change of bringing in the word Faggots that has many meanings threw the whole stanza.
Stanza 3
Sorry not a good rewrite on this one either.
Stanza 4
Beau's write became disjointed, where Wesley's brought more of a descriptive write that would catch the mind..

I think that the two poems need to be put on the same page as I have done, so they can be compared, a good theme on this one, that could have been a brilliant write but I found both lacking in imagery, Yours Ian.T

.
There are a million reasons to believe in yourself,
So find more reasons to believe in others..

I believe this is the hardest part of the workshop. To re-write other's work is never easy. I wished to see it written in the same form but it 's ok as I know that free verse is not Weley's most comfort zone. :) .

❤❤❤❤❤❤

Poetry is when an emotion has found its thought and the thought has found words
........Robert Frost☺

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I agree with Rula that this is likely the hardest part of this shop. Now going to more rhyme helps make it easier to recall and the increase in imagery sets the stage better. But I think the way you clarified the message via the last 2 lines might be the main thing which enhances connectivity by stating the effects , both good and bad, of smoking and nicotine. You might have missed a chance at immersing the reader right at the start byusing "I'm" instead of you're but that's just an opinion...............stan

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