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“Another’s Quiet Hell”

Hell opened its maw,
I could feel myself boil
My mind steeped in turmoil
I had you in my hellish trap.

Just where I wanted you.
It was fun to play my game.
I made rules, you obeyed
Things stayed the same.

I turned deaf, listened no more.
Should I care what you felt?
I had nothing, so why should you?
That was the way things were’.

I was never given a freedom.
I was beaten black and blue.
So why shouldn’t you?
Feel those things I endured.

Thankless creature you are
I feed you and come home
How lucky can such as you be?
There is no one else you see.

Nowhere to run from my side
I destroyed your self pride
Then got rid of your friends
Damn you, be good to me.

Now they say I will never be free
You took your revenge on me
I told them that it wasn’t right
I held the knife to give you a fright.

No one believed me when I said
It was you that ran to me instead.
This place is so cold, can I not be
In your arms, hated and free.

Ian.T

Style / type: 
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Last few words: 
Just feeling cold La La
Editing stage: 

Comments

An interesting concept....although i am beginning to think hell is here on earth. Good write.

Keep Writing,
Carrie

"Quoth said the Raven, NEVERMORE"

I have missed your presence here on Neo, I notice quite a few are returning .
Thanks for your visit this one was from Ian.T so I restreamed it, Yours Ian xx

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

this hell you describe. Good theme, fair pacing and loose rhyming that keeps it interesting to me. I don't quite comprehend how you can be hated and free. Try [forgiven and free]. That would let the ending make sense to me. ~ Gee.
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The end product is that the guy is in prison after killing his wife, a cold place, so he would rather be back where he was hated and free.
Must look into how this can be clearer, any Ideas, I am sometimes hidden in thoughts and forget others cannot think with me on these writes, sorry.
Take care, Yours as always Ian..

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Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

Yep this is about domestic violence, the main character is in Prison where he should be.
He longs for the previous life of being hated and free, but as the lady killed herself on the knife he held he has to stay in a cold prison cell.
I could expand this but it may not be as blunt.
I need someone who has gone through this so that I can seek out more feelings..
Take care and many thanks for your visit,
Yours as always Ian..x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

The one in prison was the abuser, the lady didn't have a chance, and outside of normal, became strong enough to make the choice.
She ran onto the knife and it was him that was put away for it, bearing in mind that most abused find it so very hard to break away from an abuser.
They are usually made to believe that it is their fault at every turn so that an abuser can keep them prisoner.
This one is where the lady made a last attempt, and there he is in a cold cell.
It is a place that I cringe to go, to as there are so many out there enduring abuse..
(total fiction but a valid point )
Thanks for your persistence it is a very hard subject and is being aired on "Emmerdale" at the moment and they are doing a grand job, and I hope they help a lot of people.
Take care out there,
Yours as always, Ian.x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

I have re-read your poems on site and cannot find the flower you talk of is it a work in progress?
One you may like which has sunflowers in is about Van Gough, I will try and find it in my library,
Take care down there, Yours Ian.x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

I have here three Bird of Paradise plants that I have grown from seed, I am waiting for them to flower as they are coming up to 9 or more years old.
They may flower this year and as it is September when they flower there are a few months to go for this year.
I collected seed from all over where ever I visited, I have an African Bottlebrush tree that now flowers each year, I had a Bottle tree, and a Baobab these I gave to the local junior school.
I must grow another Baobab as I still have some seed here and a few others still need to be planted it is one of those things I try out.
I will, look for your Haiku and Barbara needs some for the spring write.
Take care talk later, Yours Ian.x

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

How about saying : This place is so cold
Why can't it be?
You in my arms
me hated and free? ~ Gee. [You can do without the punctuation.]

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Thanks again for your reply and excellent points, I think though that I will leave this as is.
It is a strange place for me to write of, I would love to see it written from one that has endured this type of abuse, I had a friend who wrote a piece of this sort if I can find it I will show it off a bit.
Take care, yours as always, Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

yup the old sad story
well written
and I knew many
crying the wolf
and running to the side
laying at the feet of the
master
and then men too
beaten by women
not just a sided street
but of power and control

a complex game that

a new breed that runs in
this prurient world
the modern era
world of mice and foxes

emmerdale is an excellent
show..

well scripted Ian with your
eye of detail and classic
work

thank U

w

This was a quick write, and a place that is alien to my ways, it horrifies me as to what both men and women get up to for domination or whatever.
As I said when streaming it was fiction, so I need someone with true events to write as I am sure they can do better than I,
Take care young Wolf, My love to all the clan there,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

to anyone who has lived with such violence and control, as indeed my mother did. She stayed for the sake of the children. His violence extended to torture, both mental and physical. She never dreamed of fighting back. One day he went too far and somehow got away with murder. You won't see me writing a poem on this subject any day soon, or ever.

Keith Logan
the happy chappy
https://www.neopoet.com/community-guidelines

I suppose that in truth when it actually happens to a person or any part of it, it is the last thing that they need to write about.
But there are people out there that need to know that they are not alone in their plight.
Thanks for your visit again, Take care, yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment

a??? freedom
or may be better

any freedom
think man
Ian

Your comment riddles away, but freedom of the woman in this piece, or the man that wouldn't give any freedom to her, becomes a piece for discussion..
There are many out there that need to know of others in the same predicament,
Take care young Bard,
Yours Ian..

.
Give critique to help keep Neopoet great.
Unconditional love to you all.
"Learn to love yourself first"
Yours as always, Ian.T, Sparrow, and Yenti

author comment
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