Explanations for a Heatwave

This heat is oppressively questioning me
and I'm already balmy with regret

I'm sorry Sun
I could not love
the one you sent
the way he wanted

I turned him away
at the door to my sanctuary
my aloneness
Why?
and for what?

because

I am not ready
It's not plausible
I'm not good enough?

To save him from more pain
in an impossible dream?

I am infinitely waiting
for one who is dead
and another who is not ready?

Because I give myself away so rapidly
I fear getting lost, and she needs me
It's easier to be whole on my own

For if you feel love
equally for everything
if you want to love all
how do you choose one?
How do you KNOW
you choose wisely
if you're vulnerable
unreliable in love
fall in it so willingly?

Too many answers and myriad more questions
I can't
I couldn't
I didn't
I wouldn't

I did it

So many 'I's
see how selfish I am?
If it's all about self
why self-sabotage?
Who am I trying to be honest with
Him or me
or the heat of twilight's passion?

I DON'T KNOW...
I'm only saturated sorry

This closeness quizzes me
Hot humidity of night
'why?' me no longer
Moon press me not but
let me slip
into the sweaty, jumbled arms
of sleeps caress

— faerybeki, Jul 01, 2009

About This Poem

About the Author

Country/Region: GBR

Critiques

Cloudthings

16 years 11 months ago

Really beautiful Beki, I am loving your travels as a writer... &

Really beautiful Beki, I am loving your travels as a writer... & your courage as a passionate woman. Much love, hard thing you had to do, wear it well sweet heart. Anni xxx We dont believe in ourselves until someone reveals that deep inside us is valuable, worth listening to, worthy of our trust, sacred to our touch. Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight or any experience that reveal

faerybeki

16 years 11 months ago

Thanks Anni, I really

Thanks Anni, I really appreciate your stopping here and finding some beauty in it, beautiful seems a far way from where I am today (reaching such heights of connection on hols was wonderful but my re-entry into 'reality', certain time of the moon and new heartbreaker status have left me feeling more than a little bruised) Your comment and your presence here cool me (we really are having a heatwave here at the mo, it's rather steamy and seems to only add to my heaviness) just when I need it the most. Many thanks and much love to you Dear Anni, hugs Bek xxx

Ink Dragon

16 years 11 months ago

Ouch!

"It's easier to be whole on my own." Beki, my sweet fairy, this has been my mantra for many years now... I think it's the situation (as you say in your poem: "and she needs me")... I do not know if this being "whole on my own" is just a grand self-delusion, but I feel better for it... It takes a lot of work to truly open up again and feel "ready" and "good enough" again...and it takes the "right" person, my foolish heart keeps whispering in my ear. Hugs, ~Nina

faerybeki

16 years 11 months ago

Oh Nina, thanks for sharing

Oh Nina, thanks for sharing here, I so feel what you're saying, I feel you, my heart whispers the same thing, I thought this one was 'right', he offered me everything I thought I wanted, but I'm not ready, and my readiness seemed to be more important than his rightness :) and the situation, as you say, is a huge factor, I have to be whole and happy to be the best Mum for Omi (how many babes do you have Nina, I'm not sure if you've said, I've a feeling it's 3? probably wrong lol) It means so much that it is you dear Nina (and Anni) that stop here now. :) It's nice to be surrounded by sisters and feel understood :) hugs back Nina and much love Beki xxx Ps Is that Tower Bridge in your pic? Great photo btw! Let me know if you're ever in London I'd love to hug you in person, alternatively Omi and I can pick you and yours up on our way to Oz, for mischievious sharing of warmth ;) and much singing and dancing and general frollicking :) Naomi and I have started saving but I envisage it taking a while and we don't even have passports lol :) More love Beks xx

Ink Dragon

16 years 11 months ago

Beki, yes, that's Tower Bridge,

that photo was taken in London last year, and I am definitely going to come back to London as soon as time and money will allow. Oh, and I have 2 kids, hardly babies any more. My son is turning 11 soon and my daughter 9 shortly after that. Love, ~Nina P.S. I do believe that love will find you if you stop looking for it. Does that make any sense? Probably not, but it's what I believe...

faerybeki

16 years 11 months ago

Nina, that makes utter,

Nina, that makes utter, utter sense, I believe you're probably right :) Nearly 11 and 9, interesting ages, I've said it before and I'll say it again I bet you are a great Mum. much love and hugs Beki xx