One Moment

Is this about Snake? :s I'm confused by the ending. Brilliantly written though in my unlearned opinion.

but i always tend to wade in with what are hopefully comments. As a general issue i think you repeat "I" rather too often and it would be easy to lose a few and improve the flow and reduce repetition as a result. In places too the line lengths may be just a little too long which also disrupts the flow and makes things sound a little forced. For example in the first verse: "For one moment or month that I knew you were mine I treasured the closeness the passion the time I didn’t know if you knew it ? I tried hard to show it You were my world and I didn’t want to blow it could be: "For all of those moments i knew you were mine I treasured the closeness, the passion, the time. Didn't know if you knew, but tried hard to show it You were my world and i didn't want to blow it" The repetition of heart in the last line and the extra syllable: "Now my heart breaks were forever apart" might be, for example: "Now it is broken, forever apart" As always just suggestions you are welcome to ignore and i did still enjoy it believe me. All the best Keith

i've nothing to add, as to what's better. it sounds to me as though's a love letter. saying the things, you didn't have time, and letting us see. with your beautiful rhyme, you have said things we should say now, before they get away somehow. never hold back what you have to say. you may find you are late by only one day. so sad but so lovely. keep on keeping on. gee

*"Suddenly our friendship grew into more I have to confess that i was in awe" "Time passed and you were suddenly gone And now I’m left alone to mourn" I prefer these rhymes to your other couplets, where the rhyme seems more intrusive and distracting. I think you are looking for a gentle, soft connection between the lines and some of the rhymes are "loud" - e.g., "show it" and "blow it." I see Professor had suggsted trying to break away from rhyming couplets and I'd like to see your efforts at this, too. *You did clearly communicate this was a relationship with intensity but I wonder if that could have been better expressed with a more constrained poem. For example, I found some of the repetition detracted, rather than added, to the intensity, e.g., "Inside you were tough and sometimes in torment" "Cause on the outside you looked quite tough" "Sometimes though you got quite gruff It was then we’d see you were really tough" That's a lot of talk about toughness. Some of us with short attention spans might be inclined to gloss over some of your lines. I read an interesting comment about sonnets once - that they were well suited to poems of high emotion because of the constraining nature of their form. The intensity squeezed into the structure resulted in a "bursting" quality. *All in all, you've expressed your sentiment quite clearly. These lines struck a chord in me: "We started quite slowly got friendly and cheery/I found that I loved you and then I got teary." These are just a couple of suggestions to enhance your power. Welcome to the site.